Where’s my money? « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger; coach of the decade

By Billy “the Dog” McGraw

OK I have had enough of this.

I have been dutifully working for Untold Arsenal for four years, and never once have I had a penny.  Not a cent.

OK there have been a few pints of beer en route but now I want my share.  I mean it now says on the site that Untold got over half a million visits last month!!!!!  And what did I get?  I mean I cook and clean for these guys, I write occasional articles, I scrub their trainers, I work out Dogface’s statistics for him, I buy the papers and ship them out to Anne, I bribe the refs, and I singlehandedly scuppered the PGMOL web site.  And for what?

I know I am owed because I’ve been looking at that web site El Grovista (written by a mate of Perry’s I think) and that Arsenal Blues Review thing (written by a man who wrote a book which doesn’t have nearly as many funny bits as “Making the Arsenal”) and they both tell me, day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day that Untold writers are paid by Arsenal to write our stuff.

Even one of our old pals who used to write that hilarious set of commentaries which no one could understand – he says it.  Untold is paid for by Arsenal!

I am sure they are right.  I’ve never trusted that bunch who run this site.   I mean, just look at their picture at the top of the page.  Have you ever seen such a dubious looking pair?  And how did they get onto the pitch anyway?  Five a side game?  I doubt it!

So, Untold is paid for by Arsenal FC – got to be.  You want evidence?  I’ll give you evidence.

Getting the inside story was of course easy for someone like me with 15 years hard labour at the News of the World.  A quick phone tap (you would not believe how the price of phone tapping has come down with all the old NoW people now on the scrap heap – they’ll set you up for nothing and its just 5p per tapped call) and I bugged (as we pros call it) the Untold building.

And I have been listening in.  And do I have a story to tell!

It is all there.  It all happens.   Daily phone calls between the club and Untold.  Never stops.  What to write, how to write it, when to write it, how to spell it.  Like,

“Now about this youngster we’ve spotted at Exeter City, can you make sure no one touches that until we’ve signed him – and if you spot it on any other blog, rubbish the story ok.  Right now about Rangers FC, whatever you do, don’t let on that we are putting in a bid.  Oh and we are planning to poison the water supply at White Hart Lane next season – keep that one quiet too….”

They even had a chat on what sort of coverage should be given when Arsenal lose.  Suggestions about focussing on the quality of the coffee up the upper deck, that sort of thing.

There is in fact nothing that Untold won’t do to rake in the Arsenal cash.   Any moment now they will be doing a load of publicity about the club opening a store in Brent Cross Shopping Centre, talking up the new series of shops that will be opened through the summer.

It is just the sort of thing Untold will celebrate.   Quite probably they’ll try and get their new “Woolwich Arsenal, the club that changed football” book in the shop too.  Any minute now they will say, “The Brent Cross development is an exciting addition to the club’s retail arm and further evidence of the Club expanding and investing. The new store will help the Club to engage with supporters from a wider area and reduce our reliance on supporters visiting shops on a match day. Our aim is to create a destination which is fresh and innovative and which fans will find appealing. ”  You see if they don’t.

But they are canny I’ll give them that.  I’ll tell you what they will do with this article when they see it.  They’ll get their acolytes to write in and say, “what a pathetic load of rubbish” and “I suppose this is supposed to be funny” and “get a life” and “you’ve been on your own too long” and “you pathetic little wind-bag” and that sort of thing.  Just see if they don’t.  (Over half of the emails – particularly all the critical ones – that you see on this site are written by the management at Untold in order to try and deflect attention from what they are really up to.)

So this will show them.  Untold is the mouthpiece of the club, even when it isn’t.  I am arranging a vote between all the staff at Untold to get that Attwood character removed and our old chum Rhys installed as editor in chief.  Just you wait.

You heard it here, well, last – but that doesn’t make it untrue.