What a total bloody disaster, fiasco and utter cock-up « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News, supporting the club, the players and the manager

By Billy “The Dog” McGraw, (ably assisted once again by his nurse).

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I speak, in my headline, of course, about the line up for the EPL game or “clash” as the media like to call it, Arsenal vs Western Pornography.

I mean, what sort of shambles of a club gets into this situation? Two on-form goalkeepers, both fit, and we can only play one of them.  What’s the point of that?

And if that is a nonsense, look at the midfield.   Song of course will play, and the anti-Arsenal mobsters will quietly forget all their criticisms of him, and how they tried to remove him from the club.

But who else?

There’s…

• Denilson
• Diaby
• Cesc
• Nasri
• Rosicky

All vying for two places.  Why can’t Wenger not just have the right players for the right places, instead of wasting all this money on salaries?

Then think of the forwards…

• Walcott
• Arshavin
• Chamakh
• Bendtner

At least Van Persie and Ramsey have the decency to be injured, and Wilshere is banned.  If they weren’t all out we would be looking the absolute laughing stock of the football league.

But as it is we have five midfielders vying for two positions and four forwards trying to cram themselves into three.  No wonder the rest of the football world is laughing.  (Actually Billy it’s me that you can hear laughing – Ed)

Just look at our results!!! (and I use the exclamation mark advisably) We have only won two of our last two league games.  In the league cup we have also only managed two wins and a miserable eight goals against nincompoops like the very tiny totts, and the incomprehensible north easterners who seemed to think (at least from their songs) they were at some kind of dog race meeting.  I mean!

In the last three games we’ve scored 12 and let in one, which just about proves it to me that Arshavin is bloody useless – not least because most of the time he wasn’t even on the pitch.  What sort of a player is that?  Like that stupid Robert Pires, he only ever played an hour of each match and then trotted off.

So what are we going to do?

Here’s a possible team

Fabianski

Sagna  Koscielny  Squillaci  Clichy [Djourou, Eboue]

Song [Eastmond]

Cesc  Nasri [Denilson, Rosicky, Lansbury]

Theo  Chamakh  Arshavin [Bendtner, JET]

So do you want to know what is wrong with that team?  I will tell you what is wrong with that team.  Just look at what those august people from the anti-Arsenal Arsenal Association of something beginning with A and quite rude (AAAAA) have said about these players.  Then you will know what is wrong my friends…

• Fabianski – Flapianski.  Probably ok in League Two
• Sagna – Too slow, poor crosses, can’t tackle
• Koscielny – A back up player nothing more.  We needed a world class defender not an unknown
• Squillaci – Past it.  We are totally exposed at the back
• Clichy- see Sagna
• Song – not fit to wear the shirt (that after the Fulham game about 3 years ago)
• Cesc – heart is not in it – his mind is already in Spain
• Nasri – Zidane?  Don’t make me laugh.  When did he last score a goal.  Oh, well yes, but apart from that.  And that.  And that.  And that.
• Theo – never developed, injury prone, won’t make it, can’t even make the world cup team, waste of money (that at the end of last season)
• Chamakh – good players don’t come on free transfers
• Arshavin – lazy, not interested and that stat about providing more passes for goals, as well as scoring a few, is just plain wrong.  You can prove anything with statistics.

So there you are.  A load of drivel the lot of them.  They should have listened to me and bought Crouch.

[At this point medics arrived and removed Mr Dog from the 19th story at the Untold Empire and placed him in the dungeon – sorry basement medical centre.  Time being short the editor was invited to conclude the piece].

So kiddiwinks, here we are.  We’ll go with Mr Dog’s prediction shall we against the Ironsides?  But to a slight degree the old allotment owner does have a point.  With all those midfielders what happens with Jack comes back?  The Jack / Cesc midfield combination is such a powerful force with beautiful passes being sprayed from all positions to all positions it is an art-work.  In fact I demand an Art Council grant for those two.  In fact Cesc+Jack should win the next Turner Prize.  I shall set up a blog to that effect.  Oh, actually I have.  Well there you are, you never can tell.

But we’ll just have to wait a little longer for that amazing duopoly (eg Shakhter), and rest easy in the knowledge that as my old pal Ian said on the phone last night (after kindly checking that my health was up to speed once again and that Jane and I would possibly make it to the Auld “Right I want all you on the pavement now” Triangle for the Pornographers game) we had something like nine changes between the league game and the league cup game.  And we still put out an awe-inspiring team.

It doesn’t affect the anti-Arsenal though – they’ll complain if Bendtner misses a shot tomorrow, and forget the two fabuloso goals in the last two appearances, and if Theo slips over or misplaces a pass, they’ll forget all the goals.

The big problem for the opposition is they won’t quite know who the goal scorer is they are supposed to mark.  Chamakh?  Nasri? Theo? Cesc? Arshavin?   They will meander around a bit, and then seeing Arshavin looking bored, standing still, admiring the grass, getting up slowly, will think, well he’s not in it.   And three point six seconds later he’ll either score or provide the cross for a goal.

I guess overall what will happen is that we’ll play one team today and another at Shakhtar, which seems fair enough.  And that ladies and gents, is something that neither Man U nor the KGB in Fulham are quite able to do.

Makes me quite proud to be an idiot.

See you at the Triangle maybe.

(Irony = a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion (esp. in contemporary writing)

(There’s always someone who doesn’t quite get it).