Untold Arsenal » Who are the most depressed supporters in the EPL?

Depression is not worry – it is a lot worse than that, and can alternate with manic hysteria or with a short-term feeling that everything is wonderful.

So it we look for these traits in EPL supporters, where do we find them?

Newcastle Zebras must be top of the league – except they are not EPL any more, but let’s give them a few moments grace. Up for sale on EBay, about to lose their players, with no manager and League One a real option in a year’s time, that’s a recipe for depression. It is only now that Away The Lads is understood to mean “Going down going down going down”. The manic upturn comes from the view that most of the players were overpaid rubbish so getting rid of them is no bad thing. Depression rating: suicidal. Depression rating 10.

Aston Hold Your Head Villa. What we have to admit is that for the past two seasons they have made more noise than any other away fans at the Ems. Problem is they gambled everything on getting into the Champs League and failed. Also the ploy of holding the head every time a player goes down, to get the ref to stop the game, has been spotted, and will have less impact next season. But worse, the star man has gone to Manchester Arab because he thinks he can get Champs League action there. (Don’t tell him). Not enough capital to buy new talent, it doesn’t look as good as it did half way through the season. Depression rating: 8

Liverpool Insolvency. There are rumours that the nutters at RBS/Nat West are going to give these people more money – but this time it has to be guaranteed by the owners. Which means the owners will probably be less excited by the Ben E Tez approach of “if it moves, sign it”. It could well be “sell first, buy second” and in a market in which Manchester IOU is spending £80 million Liverpool might well not be able to afford anything. Depression rating: 10.

Portsmouth Adams Family. Have gone from Richest Club in The Universe (or at least the south coast) to maybe ownerless in a few weeks. The trouble with very rich people from very undemocratic countries is that they don’t quite get the fact that if you want to bribe someone in the UK you have to be a bit more subtle than you do back home. If the owner doesn’t come through with the dosh the club could be forming an alliance with its neighbours Brighton and Southampton – not to mention Bournemouth. All are at the seaside, and all are in the sh….. Depression rating: up and down like a yoyo.

The Tiny Totts. Tott supporters don’t get depressed. They live in a bubble of eternal belief that this year they will break into the top four. They have been told by their board of directionless directors that this will happen THIS YEAR for the past six years, and the rationale down the poor end of White Hart Lane is that it must happen sooner or later. They’ll buy lots of players and sell D Bentley and some others at a huge loss. After that? When’s St Totteridge Day? Depression rating: nil. (You have to have some ability to know what the good times are before you can be depressed about the bad, and this is not the case with any living Tott supporters).

Gone West Ham Untidy. After 24 hours of euphoria following a bizarre piece in the Times in which the club was said to be rescued, the truth returned – the people currently owning the club are the bankrupts from Iceland who destroyed the club. No buyer, no money, and owing Sheffield U a load of dosh each year because of their use of a certain Argentine, they could go bankrupt and lose ten pints. Sorry points. Depression rating: 11 out of 10.

Hull Spitty. After a bright start the most disgraceful manager in the entire game decided to humiliate his players by sitting them on the pitch at half time for their team talk. I don’t think they won a game after that. Every trick has been tried from screaming at refs to making up wild and insane stories about Cesc. Of course the FA and EPL will do little, but it can’t be long before men in white coats remove the manager – but he will probably have destroyed the club by then anyway. Depression rating: beware large long bridges that connect with Grimsby for most of the season.

Bolton Rotational. If you had to watch a team whose tactics consisted of 11 behind the ball, rotational fouling and rotational time wasting, wouldn’t you be depressed? Depression rating: rotational.

Birmingham City. The police have raided the club, directors have been arrested and/or questioned on anything from sexual offences with an Essex woman to financial what-nots… so it is just life as we know it. How do you tell if a Birmingham City supporter is depressed or not? Please let me know, I can’t work it out.

Manchester IOU. Presumably Sir Alex F-Word will spend, spend, spend as normal, and everyone knew that the jumped up snarler was going anyway, so depression level is going to be very low. But the KGB in Fulham are also spending, so the only clubs who are really making money are those who are selling and who don’t have debt. Depression level probably about 1 (that’s the guy in the 95th row who hadn’t realised that Toy Boy was leaving.)

Wolverhampton W. Depression level 13. (Wouldn’t you be depressed if you supported a club who sing “Hi Ho Wolverhampton” at every game? That is assuming they still do. They did last time I was there. Kolo scored. Quite a good game.)

Coming soon: review of the new edition of The Arsenal Stadium Mystery. Coming sooner: me saying, ‘this computer won’t load properly’. And, why next season is looking rather bright and jolly. (c) Tony Attwood. 2009. (that’s the year, not my age).