UNTOLD ARSENAL » Blog Archive » Must we let England destroy Theo?

Last time I wrote about internationals harming the players whose wages we pay, I got accused of racism (because I was talking about a tourney in Africa).

This time I’m talking about England, and such an accusation is going to be harder to level at me, so maybe I’m on safer ground.

Watching Theo run around a lot for England against Andy Pandy I kept thinking, “in the near future someone is going to catch him above the knee” – and then lo and behold we’d be Theo-less for a few weeks while he recovered.

Should we have to put up with this?

The Austrians had a go at stopping their international team earlier this year, with a grand petition saying that having an Austria team was a humiliation to the good name of their country.  I was wondering if we couldn’t do the same?

And it’s not just that England were awful – Scotland and N Ireland were naff too.  And anyway it’s that the whole notion of playing for a country because your grandmother was passing through when your father was born is a bit daft.

If we do have to have internationals we really ought to have something where everyone’s affinity to one of the teams was fixed, and where the difference between the sides was not as obvious as it is at the moment.  I mean, I know there’s not much between Andorra and England, but there’s a huge difference between, say, Andorra and Holland, or Andorra and Croatia.

So – equal teams and no messing about with who you can play for.  How do we do that?

The answer (and remember you read it here first) is to have twelve world-wide teams in which players are assigned to one particular team according to their star sign.

So, I’m a Cancerian, which means had I ever been good enough to play football at a higher level, I’d have to play for Cancer.  Where I was born and where my grandparents were born, would be irrelevant.   And by and large Cancer would have no built in advantage over Virgos beyond our inherant and obvious superiority.

Then, in these much more equal balanced games, Theo wouldn’t risk having his leg bitten.  Problem solved.

I really ought to get paid forcoming up with ideas like this.