UNTOLD ARSENAL » Blog Archive » Arsenal put 30,000 up for sale

In a radical move Arsenal FC has announced that it is to offer a number of its supporters for sale in the January transfer window.

“It is important to be able to rotate the fans as well as the team,” said the Head of Things, at the Emirates Stadium. “Some of these supporters have been with us for years, and it is time to move them on.”

“We are particularly looking to transfer those people who leave before the end of the match, although we are also looking to give assisted transfers to those who arrive late, or wander out before half time.

“We currently have 40,000 supporters who are season ticket holders, plus 47,500 supporters who have paid to be on the season ticket waiting list. At the moment about 500 people a year give up their season ticket, and this is clearly not enough.

“Our belief is that other clubs could benefit from taking these supporters. For example, the Tiny Fantasist team along the Seven Sisters Road has announced that it has a waiting list of 20,000 – but this number as we know is a fake, for it includes all their members who are automatically put on the waiting list. They could have some of ours.

The plan appears to be that moving the 30,000 on could kill several stones with one bird. Those getting the season tickets to replace the ones who leave early would be required to sign a pledge that they would not leave early. Those who are transfered to the Tiny Fantasists would be asked to sign a pledge to say they would leave early.

“The Fantasists under Harry Hotspur have done very well,” said the Head of Things at the stadium. “They are currently one from bottom in the EPL and stuff is looking good down the Lane. They have gained permission for their new training ground. So fans who leave 10 minutes before the end should feel at home.”

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Line pointed out that watching the Fantasists could lead to an Early Grave, and that as such might be illegal under the Assisted Transfer Scheme (Regulation) Act 1919.

Most of the people Untold Arsenal approached said that if they were forced to give up their season tickets they would sooner watch Leyton Orient. “I’d sooner watch Leyton Orient,” said one, who pushed past me in order to leave, ten minutes before the end of the game.

“I’d sooner see this game,” I replied, but by then he had moved on and disturbed the rest of the row, several of whom had been sleeping quite soundly and were annoyed to be woken before the match was over.