Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger in all he does » Untrue humour and wild whimsy
What’s going to happen in the coming season? The answer before we start (it’s hardly worth going is it?)By Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard and Rampager of the Northern Hordes. Continuing the unique and specialised services offered to you by Untold, and having indulged in a bottle of apple and mango juice to celebrate the new season, I present my first column of the 2010/11: to wit and viz, […] Billy the Dog McGraw interviews the England manager. Exclusive!Introduction by Billy McGraw… I met Maximillian Alexandra Magenta Cappuccino at Askadors, the infamous nightclub in northern Wembley just off the North Circular Road, where FA officialdom meet their secretaries for debate on attacking manoeuvres, defensive structures, and the thrust of everyday footballing matters. There was something bleak about his looks, rather as if he […] No one will leave early from the Ems next season – officialBy Billy the Dog McGraw, the Old Fish Shop, Hereford. Following the amazing revelations on the influential Le Grub web site to the effect that somewhere between 50% and 80% of Arsenal season ticket holders will not be renewing their tickets next year, Untold Arsenal can now exclusively reveal what will happen as a result […] Arsenal announcement causes disaster all over he worldBy Walter Broeckx Arsenal Football Club have today released the following statement about Cesc Fabregas:: “Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas is under contract with the Club until the summer of 2015. He is a highly-valued member of the team and part of our future plans. “We have followed recent speculation linking Cesc with a move away […] Business as usual at Fifa’s headquarters as Tottenham bid for the world cupby our special reporters in Switzerland and all over the world: R. Ubbish and E.M.P. Tyhead May 18. The new FA chairman has accused the Belgium FA of helping Holland to bribe refs on the coming World cup to make sure Holland win it. Holland and Belgium are bidding together for the world cup 2018. […] The Untold Exclusive Interviews: Peter CrouchThe Arsenal Exclusives After the great success of our exclusive interview with Vermaelen the editorial team in the Toppled Bollard public house, Islington, along with our friends at the Potters Bar Lido, have decided to expand this area of our work, introducing a series of discussions with some of the leading characters from the world of […] Where is Wigan, how do I get there, what’s this pier thing and who is Eddie Waring?The Romans built a fort at Wigan. Thus begin all official and unofficial histories of one of England’s least known shanty towns. The problem for Wigan was that having got there the pesky Romans took a look and immediately buggered off, leaving the village to the even peskier Northumbrians. After 800 years they built a […] Emirates stadium seriously contaminated. Profound health implications revealedExclusive! Alexander Litvinenko was a former officer of the FSB and KGB in Russia who was granted political asylum in the UK. He accused the FSB of terrorist acts within Russia, in order to bring Putin to power. On 1 November 2006, Litvinenko fell ill and died three weeks later, becoming the first confirmed victim […] Arsenal Burnley: a delightful and insightful fistful of pratfallsIt’s been months since we talked about players and matches, what with midweek dribble ball and the invasion of the hatchet men last saturday, so here’s a quick run down on this saturdays team, before a quick review of the opposition and their semi-illustrated history. —————- Almunia Sagna Vermaelen Silvestre Clichy (Eboue, Traore) Ramsey, Denilson, […] If you supported a top club in a small country, how could you dream of winning the Champions League again?Rhys Jaggar and Tony Attwood There are fans of a certain age who can remember Ajax being top dogs in Europe. In fact, that was really the first dominant European side I remember as a boy. Cruyff et al. I wasn’t quite old enough to remember the Lisbon Lions or Feyenoord, but both won the […] Police raid Chelsea terror centre, and Arsenal announce surprise team for matchLondon police have seized half a tonne of footballing equipment in buildings that they say were being used as a base by the terrorist football separatist group “KGB Fulham” The discovery of the dump, which included shirts, boots, and grass cutting equipment, was made in the early hours of saturday morning. Fake driving licences, cars […] Stoke is not in Stoke (and the first ever football blog to try a joke in Latin)Today’s game is in the FA Cup, or Facup as it is known in the Latin tongue which still dominates the region where Stoke play. As with all nouns in Latin the word “facup” can be conjugated and it is vital to be able to do this properly if wishing to discourse with the locals […] How to speak Notlobian and what a man in the Isle of Man has to do with this matchSpecial advanced notice: although much of the commentary consists of mindless gibberish there is a bit of serious stuff part way through, which is all true. You have to guess which bit it is. Part the First: The Evil Empire Bolton Wanderers, known as Notlob, make the Evil Empire look like a troupe of ballet […] Laugh? I nearly died. John Aldridge on Liverpool, Jacko Jones on Arsenal.This is it: the big day. The very big day. The biggest day of biggest days of all biggest days. For today is the day (the exact day, the very exact day, the precise day). And already it has been celebrated by the most extraordinarily bizarre and eccentric radio broadcast about football ever. Which is […] Exclusive full match report of Arsenal v Bolton; and this is the only place you can read it.By Walter Broeckx The starting line up was Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore, Denilson, Diaby, Ramsey, Nasri, Arshavin and Eduardo. Bolton kick off and launch a rocket at the Arsenal goal. The ball hits Almunia (who is still waving at the crowd behind his goal) on the back of his head and it goes out […] Bookmakers attack Untold Towers after we make another perfect Arsenal prediction.There were unprecedented scenes tonight at Untold Towers, the rural enclave which houses Untold Arsenal. As editors and copywriters gathered on the 42nd floor and watched in amazement a crowd of over 400 bookmakers, bookies runners and a couple of burger sellers attacked the building with sticks, staves and a centurian tank. At first it […] West Ham v Arsenal. Score, teams, and what happens afterwardsWarning: contains dead bodies, mild peril, partial nudity, swearing, irony and occasional violence. “West Ham are in dire straits,” said Billy the Dog, as I approached the allotment and offered him a pint of sweet sherry. “That Mark Knoffler has lost it, the new glacier tax is hitting them hard, and their bid to host […] How to predict every single Arsenal result correctly and cause the end of civilisation at the same timeBy Billy the Dog McGraw, Enfield Allotments, Middlesex. I have rarely seen my old mate Tony Attwood as close to tears as he was when he approached me this morning on the allotment. I was just nattering to that Dennis Bergkamp who grows carrots next to my plot, when Tony rushed up. “They’re all arguing […] Billy “the Dog” McGraw reveals what the papers will be saying next weekBy Billy the Dog, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington. I had that Arsene Wenger round here the other night doing his basso profundo with the carol singers. They were collecting money for the Arsenal transfer funds which are somewhere between desperation and zero. “Ere Arse,” I said, adopting the familiar style that is customary […] How to be an Arsenal doom and gloomer in ten easy steps1. Take individual moments from games and use them as proof for your point. But avoid seeing these in context. So if a player makes a bad pass just before the opposition score, focus on that, blame him for the goal, and ignore anything else he did in the game. Keep the whole argument incredibly […] Billy the Dog McGraw denies intimate relationship with Tiger Woods. Exclusive!In a tearful and emotional statement, Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, just off Gillespie Road, today denied that he had had any close or passionate relationship with golf master Tiger Woods. “It is stupid to suggest I could do such a thing,” said Billy over a pint of vodka. “Do I […] Blaming Holland is like blaming Pink Floyd for Syd Barrett’s deathIt was a very subdued Billy the Dog McGraw at the Toppled Bollard public house today as we gathered just beyond our old spiritual home, deliberately drinking in the street, just to annoy the police. The news had come through about Rob VP, another martyr to the insane stupidity of the international friendly. I debated […] The funniest Arsenal chant (or story) everLast week I wrote a piece for an Arsenal web site in India, in return for the piece they wrote for Untold. It went up, and they said nice things about it. No problem. Yesterday, it reappeared on another site with a different headline. The author said it was the funniest article he had ever […] An exclusive interview with Bölöni – manager of Royal Standard de LiègeWalter Broeckx and Tony Attwood meet László Bölöni Most visiting teams playing at the Ems tend to stay at the Toppled Bollard (also known as the Auld Triangle) in Islington, and so it was natural that this week Walter, our Belgium correspondent and I (UNTOLD’s resident loonie) went to meet Transylvanian László Bölöni, manager of Royal […] Totts issue celebratory mug and DVD after Saturday gameTottenham Hotspur have continued their theme of celebrating matches against Arsenal with a special edition DVD and Spurs coffee mug following the 3-0 defeat on saturday. The official reason for this release is not that the club like to find every possible way of ripping off its supporters and getting them to fork out good […] |
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