Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger in all he does » 2008 » June

We did it: we won the Euro thingy

When I say “won”, what I mean of course is “survived”.

Euro Whatnot Thing has been and gone and none of our team has been injured.  We were helped by the fact that some countries got knocked out early, some of our players were injured anyway and so didn’t get there, and our two superstars, Van Persie and Cesc were given only bit parts.

And that two of our great French players didn’t even get on the plane.

Even better news is that Vela has survived playing for Mexico without an injury.

So, that’s the great news.   The bad news is that it now seems ok to forget that a manager is an out and out racist if he wins a European Championship thing.   Seems a bit unreasonable to me.   The manager of Spain called Henry a “black shit” and then refused to apologise.   It made the press for a while, but now everyone worships the self-same guy because his team done ok.

Not quite the sort of world I would like to live in, but since (as is regularly pointed out in emails to me) I am on another planet anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

I suppose.

Ade: the truth at last

Barca need to buy players, and have a vested interest in unsettling the players of teams they might meet in the Champions League. The President has to keep the fans happy after a disastrous season, the manager’s gone, and Cesc’s performance in the Euros is rubbing their noses in it.

I’d say it was a dead cert that Barca would do the sort thing they have been doing with Adebayor for their own benefit, and with nothing to do with Ade.

Milan need to buy players, in order to deflect from the disaster of having to play in the Diddly Widdly Cup against the Tiny Totts and others of the same ilk. The owner has to keep the fans happy after a disastrous season, the local rivals have been doing great, and Cesc’s performance in the Euros is rubbing their noses in the fact that we beat them 2-0 at their place.

These are surely enough reasons as to why Milan and Barca will pick on an Arsenal player as an 80% transfer target to meet their own ends.

Oh and by the way, he’s just said he’s staying.

Just 1 game to go in the great injury fest

Here we are

This is it.

It is nearly over.

We (the great tribe that lives at Untold Arsenal Towers) are holding our own and each other’s breaths, and it is getting painful.

We’re so nervous we have to keep going to the toilet (and holding our breaths).

The cause of the excitement is quite simple: it’s nearly over. The great Injury Fest has nearly run its course, and AS OF TODAY NOT ONE ARSENAL PLAYER IS INJURED.

OK we’ve had it easy this year. The dopey idiot French manager chose not to put in his team the EPL left back of the year, and the EPL right back of the year, and instead proposed to his girlfriend. C’est la vie as they say when getting knocked out in round one. The Swiss didn’t play one of our players, and anyway got knocked out early. The Almighty Jens has moved on so we can watch him and remember one simple fact…

He is the only person in the history of the planet to have played through an entire English league season and never been on the losing team.

And that left Robin – and yes, amazingly, he is still in one piece, and playing brilliant football.

And finally, the God of gods, Cesc. That’s our one worry left. He’s playing at the top of his game as we knew he would – but, after that performance last night there is a serious chance that the manager of Spain might just have finally realised that he has lurking in his pack an astonishing player.

So (and this is the bad news) he might just think of playing Cesc all the way through the game on sunday.

And that is our final big risk – one game to go, and one player left in the tourney. No injuries yet but…

It is, you will agree, too much to take. So a flying squad of Untold Arsenal specially trained robots has been sent to somewhere in Europe (we lost the map so we’re not sure where) with the purpose of stealing Cesc and replacing him with a silicon based reproduction. Cesc will be bundled into cotton wool and brought home, unharmed, and WE WILL HAVE A FULL SQUAD (except Rosicky) to pick from for the new season.

I know it is a shock. I know it has never happened before. But just you watch it happen. The European Championships came along, they took our lads, they tried to injure them, and they failed. WE WON.

I am sorry for the slightly hysterical tone of today’s posting only the regular crew are down the pub and we let the office boy write today’s piece cos he’s been asking for a go for ages and we didn’t want to upset him as he’s good at cleaning out the pizza pan, and really he seemed quite sensible. We didn’t know he would get so carried away but it won’t happen again. Honest.

Crouch to Arsenal: all the facts and background info

Apparently Crouch is coming to Arsenal to replace Ade.  The reason is the two players have a lot in common.   Crouch is tall and so is Ade.   Also Ade is tall, and so is Crouch – so you can see the link.

Of course you will now want to know all about Crouch – and fortunately we have his  autobiography.

The highlight is his wholesale attack on the town of Chelmsford – page after page saying how the population are sub-human, demented idiots who go around pouring oil down the drains, and beating each other up.

It is one of the wildest craziest pieces of writing in football.  No that is wrong. It is not one of them – it is by far the worst example of writing in any football book.   If he had written in the same way about people from (say) Pakistan, or people of a particular ethnic group, he would have been condemned as racist and put on a slow boat to Greenland.

But he chose a small English town, and got away with it.  How weird is that?

But that’s not all you need to know about the Crouch person.   He has been sent off for every one of the four teams he has played for – quite a record (even Robbie Savage hasn’t managed that).

One of these events was the sending off against Chelsea in the little cup semi-final in December 2007.

The offence was fairly awful – a dreadful lunge in which he can be seen with both feet off the ground flying through the air towards Chelsea’s John Obi Mikel.  Worse, he argued with the ref for a while before going off, screaming “Fuck off” at the crowd who were booing him as he left.  (It is generally accepted  that players should never do anything to inflame a crowd – and some players have been given extra time out of the game for such events, although the FA have a long history of extreme leniency when dealing with Liverpool.)

It was undoubtedly with this feeling that Liverpool players can get away with anything in his mind that Crouch then decided to take matters much further.  He went public with an attack on all non-English players (including presumably those who play for Liverpool) accusing them of repeatedly diving and making up injuries.

This is of course an attack on the integrity of other footballers – something the FA is supposed to protect and which can lead to a charge of “bringing the game into disrepute”.

What he said swas, “If you go in on Lampard or Terry, would they roll around like Mikel did?… Foreign players have brought a lot to our game but that’s something you don’t want to see.”

Because of the curious nature of the discrimination and racism laws it is not illegal to single out a group by their country of origin.   But it is something more commonly associated with the politics of the BNP.

Anyway, back to the autobiography.  Crouch goes on for page after page against Chelmsford, claiming that he witnessed the semi-human inhabitants pouring oil down drains, and getting drunk in pubs.

And really, you are left with a very odd feeling about this person.

Do you think the Crouch creature would be welcome at Arsenal?

The most mouthwatering headturning transfer story of the century

The point about some (not all, but some) of the pronoucements made within Untold Arsenal is that 132% of the stuff that we all read in the papers, hear on the TV, and see in the blogs, about Arsenal and transfers, is untrue.

And not just untrue, so utterly, totally, completely, widly untrue, that no one in their right mind would even start to believe it.

We’ve made that point 23149 times in the last 48 blogs, and it is getting a bit hard to make the point again and again in the same way.  “Well why don’t you give up and leave us all alone?” you might ask, and of course we could, but then no one would notice.

So instead we try and make little jokes out of it – like the last post (which I think Gooner News didn’t mention) about Barca’s apology to Arsenal.

But then sometimes a story comes along that is so amazing incredibly stupid and inane it goes beyond the stupid and inane stories that are out there anyway.   Here it is.

Ready?

Crouch to Arsenal.

So the thinking is he is a big guy.

That is about it, nothing else.   The fact that Arsenal don’t buy older players from bigger clubs doesn’t come into it.  Crouch to Arsenal.

gkse oi[#po fp;lasef  [poas[pof/  asdf

Sorry about that last sentence, I was trying to wipe the tears from my eyes.  Crouch to Arsenal.  Some days you just can’t help laughing.   It’s funnier than the story about Guvnor Ince.

Barca apologise to Arsenal over Adebayor

Barca (or the “Catalan Giants TM” as the press like them to be called) have formally apologised to Arsenal FC, (“the north London club”) over the stories about Barca trying to buy Adebayor.

“It was a sad case of mistaken identity,” said Hardly Anyone, the President of Barca.   “We wanted a really intelligent insider in the English game to tell us who we should buy.  We looked around and saw Mr Guvnor Ince.  He seemed just the person to give us the low down, because he told us he was the best.   He said he had just won the league – and we thought that meant the EPL – although it appears he actually won the 4th Division with Milton Keynes (who we believe is his assistant manager and who we are now trying to sign).

“Mr Guvnor Ince told us that he was so highly regarded that he was the only man who was allowed to manage in England with taking any UEFA qualifications – but it turns out that although he registered to do them, he mistakenly thought that it meant he should go golfing instead, and not everyone believes he will pass, even if he actually fins out what is on the syllabus.
“The Ince man also told us that he was the one that people turned to for information about players, but as far as we can see now this just meant that he had told Ronaldodo to stay at Manchester Bankrupt, which was not very original.

“But of course at the time we knew none of this, and Mr Guvnor told us that Adebayor desperately wanted to leave Arsenal (“The north London club”).

“In fact he later admitted he was confusing Adebayor with a Russian forward with whom we were already in contact.”

In his defence Mr Guvnor said that both players’ names begin with A, they both have the same number of letters, and he naturally assumed that the Russian bloke was going to Arsenal because the first three letters of his name are Ars.

Not all our wonderful insightful exclusives are reported through Goonernews or other news channels.  You can read every word what we write by subscribing.  There’s buttons and things below.

Ex-player says current player should stay/leave: Exclusive

How to be a top rated journalist for a big time paper.

1.  Look down the list of players of any team you dislike quite a bit.  So, assuming your love Arsenal (otherwise why are you reading this, please close your computer and go and lie down somewhere).  For this example, let’s take Manchester Bankrupt’s nasty self-opinionated little boy Ronaldodo who (to be fair, and reasonable, as we always are) can play a bit.

2.  Now look at the current rumours on offer on BBC teletext page 338.   In this case it is obvious – Ronaldodo is going to Real Mad.

3.  Next phone someone up.  It could be anyone who has some sort of contact with the sport.  The guy who lives next door to the guy who makes the sandwiches for the Chelsea manager, for example.    Then you say, “What does Big Philly think of Ronaldodo going to Real Mad?”   The guy at the other end says, “Well my mate Billy who makes the sandwiches says that Big Philly thinks it would be good if Ronaldodo goes to Real Mad.

4.  Then you re-write this as, “Chelsea boss says Ronaldo should go to Madrid” and make up some other stuff about once in a life time, great chance, spiritual home, Iberian thingee whatnot – you can cut and paste here because everyone always uses the same lines.  There’s probably a dry cleaning company in Finchley that invents the phrases and hands them out free when you go and get your party clothes cleaned up.

5.  Then you stick the magic word “Exclusive” on the end.  That’s important.  It is actually a meaningless exclamation, rather like saying “Mobile phone” every time you think of Ashley Cole.  Harmless, but it signifies something deeper.

6.  Call your editor, file the story and you get rewarded financially.

Now you know.

PS: Did you know many of the Untold Arsenal stories never appear on Gooner News and the other Arsenal networks.   Goodness knows why – we are awfully nice people really.  And it is not as if everything we say is true (if it were then we would be odd).  So, to catch every last word, why not subscribe???  There’s a button thing somewhere on the page.

What will happen to Hleb if/when he goes?

Or put another way, will he too suffer the Curse of Arsenal?

Just to refresh your memory in case you have gone beyond the age of 18 and thus have started to lose the brain cells, almost every player who has left Arsenal has done badly – often very badly.   The last one who did ok was a certain Liam Brady who had success in Italy (although later mucked it up at West Ham, and had a dreadful time trying to be manager at Celtic).
The Curse of Arsenal extends not just to the players but also those who muck around with them.   Thus within days of Flamini deciding to leave, his new club failed to make it into the Champions League (although they were favourites to do so at the time of the transfer).  Flamini was dropped by France, reinstated, and then found himself in the middle of a team going into self-destruct.

Patrick Vieira, Robert Pires, Edu and Thierry Henry have all suffered from a decline in form and a very high level of injury – Pires and Edu in particular suffering in this regard.

As for what happened at Birmingham City after the attack on Eduardo – that story of police raids, arrests and relegation has been told several times.

So what of Hleb if/when he goes.  Will he suffer as other have done before him?   The answer is almost certainly yes – as will Adebayor if any of the stories about him are true.

At one level, players at Arsenal reach their peak, and perform beyond their abilities, and then upon leaving go into decline.  But this does not explain the situation that affected Flamini, where disaster has struck Milan and France before he has even kicked a ball.  Is there a deeper malign influence at work – and will it affect Hleb?

Flamini was, of course, free to leave the club – his contract had run out, exactly as happened with Edu and Pires.  Hleb on the other hand is more akin to A. Cole who simply decided he wanted to go somewhere else.  What happened to Cole was that his form took a dive, he had injuries, and (perhaps more notably) his personal life disintegrated, leaving him (and his club) the laughing stock of football.

Certainly, the Curse of Arsenal appears in all sorts of shapes and guises, and it does not seem to let anyone escape.

You would think therefore that by now players would have realised this, and to be fair I suspect some of them have.  But agents, on the other hand, are greedy beings, and as we know, they can twist players minds.

What we know is that if a player wants to go, mid-contract, he can make a fuss about it, and can force the club to take action.  The club can’t let the player just sit out his contract (that falls foul of “restraint of trade” regulations, although you wouldn’t know that judging by the failure to report it in the press).  It is the same for an  airline pilot.  To be a pilot you have to keep flying, otherwise you lose the licence.   To be a player you have to play, otherwise you lose your sharpness, and you can’t be kept out of the team for an obviously non-football reason.  Deliberately stopping a person perform  their trade for your own private motives is against EU legislation.

So in the end the club has to sell if the player wants to go – although as Arsenal proved over Cole, you can get a good deal if you hold out beyond the last minute (Cole was sold a couple of hours after the transfer deadline went by).

Thus if any of the stories surrounding Hleb are true we could expect that he will be sold at a good price, maybe with the exchange of the mystery player we seemingly want from Barca.  Hleb will then lose form, Barca will have a bad season, and there might even be an injury in the offing.

All in all it is better both for players and teams not to mess with Arsenal.  The Curse (whether you believe in it or not) is there – at least in effect if not in substance.

Wenger gets another one over Sir Alex F

If you saw them walk off at Ancient Trafford, Lord Wenger and “Sir” Alex FWord were all close buddies and lovely mates.  And why not?   The two clubs were the only ones to play attacking positive football, and both have a lot in common when it comes to dealing with the likes of Chelsea, and the big boys from Spain.

Plus there’s the fact that the Manchester Bankrupts manager is supposedly learning French and takes off 3 weeks in the summer to go to France, and is going to retire there is a couple of years.

Meanwhile Arsenal are having trouble with Barca (see earlier posts for more details on what is going on) and “Sir” Alex FWord is having problems of his own with Real Mad.

But still, it is good to see that our boss hasn’t forgotten how to have a bit of fun.  While the new Chelsea “manager” (who is soon to learn that being “manager” at Chelsea actually means being “caretaker”) is busy winding up “Sir” Alex FWord by telling one of his players (the so-called Ronaldodo – which is a bit of an odd name – I mean fancy calling yourself after an extinct bird) to sign for Real Madmen, Wenger sat next to the great god himself, Zinadine Zidane at the Italy/Spain match.

So what bought Zinadine and Arsene together?

Well, they are both French and one is the greatest player France has ever produced and the other is the greatest manager France has ever produced.  So that’s a start.

Another is that Arsenal have signed Nasri (which is why the number 8 was left blank on the team list), and Nasri is an Algerian like Zidane, and plays in the same way and same style – so they had some talking to do about whether Nasri is going to make it or not.

Another is that Arsenal are endlessly looking to grow their world-wide scouting empire, and Zidane was being asked about the chance of him taking an occasional peak at the north African scene.  (I admit a bias here, I am not Algerian, but I lived in Algiers for quite a while, and there is some talent and a half there, just waiting for development).

And then there was the chance to have a go at best mate “Sir” Alex.  “Do me a favour big man,” says our boss.  “Tell Ronaldodo to sign for Real Mad.  Just as a joke.  To wind up “Sir” Alex FWord.

And Zinadine says “sure thing Greatest French Manager in the History of the Planet”.  Next day he tells Ronaldodo to sign.

All in a days work for the wonderful Lord Wenger.

Who’s up and who’s down: the Arsenal numbers

Straight in at number 12 is Carlos Vela, Mexican superstar centre forward who plays like Eduardo.

Aaron Ramsey is also straight in at number 16.

But the big mystery is what has happened to Fran Merida.  He’s… nowhere.

Almunia shoots up to number 1 as expected, and Fabianski takes up place 21.  There are gaps at number 8, number 14 (come back Henry?), number 18 and numbers 23, 28 and 29.

Philippe Senderos looks set for a long run at number6, as does Song at 17.  Clichy however has made it clear that he wants to trademark “22″, and who can blame him?

More on Ade’s move to Barca

There’s a piece we published earlier today (I don’t think it made it onto Gooner News  for some reason, so if you missed it, you might like to go to the Archive list below left and pick up on it.

Anyway, part of the story relates to the fact that there are plots, sub-plots and history.   Barca hate Arsenal because of the Fabregas affair.  Barca need to keep up with Real Madrid who are making all the running by annoying “Sir” Alex FWord by doing big things.

So, to cut a boring story very short, they like to mess up Arsenal’s summer by talking up bids for Hleb.  Then Arsenal start making moves for another of their young kids.   And that really annoys someone in the Barca offices.   So they bid for Adebayor.

But there is more – and this is the other part of the story I was just waiting to have confirmed.   The player they really want is Arshavin, the Russian bloke who has been playing in some Euro hippity-hoppity game thing.

So there you are.  Annoy Arsenal because of Cesc, and again because there’s another kid trying to come out, and hide the fact that you are going for Arshavin, and the result – bids for Ade and Hleb.

Much more interesting is the Arsenal numbers list.

Barca and Arsenal: what’s really happening

Here’s a couple of key points:

First Barca are not rolling in money.   They have to sell their stars before they can move on and start buying.   Yes they have some cash, but not the billions that might be imagined.

Second, the President and the club need to combat the wild statements of Real Madrid.  Having not won the league they need to show that they are rebuilding, and anything Madrid can do Barca can do bigger.

We all remember of course the transfer of Henry to Barca – with the predictions in the press that Barca would rise to the top and Arsenal sink to the bottom.   That transfer went through at the very start of the transfer window as a signal to all Barca fans that they “meant business”.

Of course they meant nothing of the kind – they meant only that they would throw some money at a player with a reputation to rub Real Madrid’s noses in it.  And much good it did them.   Henry is now just a shadow of what he was.

Now if we add to this heady mix the Fabregas affair – in which Arsenal really annoyed Barca by taking away a player of great potential and turning him into an EPL star – while paying Barca only a fraction of what he would quickly become worth.

So, here’s Bara.  Under pressure from Real Madrid, and from its own supporters.   Annoyed with Arsenal at selling them Henry who was clearly not doing very well.  And very annoyed about the Fabregas affair.

Naturally they respond in the only way they know – by trying to disrupt Arsenal.  They spot a potential move for Hleb by Milan, and move in to cause more chaos.   They then do the same with Adebayor.

In short they are saying, “we are going to muck about with everything that you want to do.”

And that bit of childish behaviour gives us one further clue – Arsenal do want to do something.  They want to buy another Bara player.   And Barca are not having it – they are fighting back.  Of course they might end up by buying Ade or Hleb or even both.  If they do, the Curse of Arsenal will ensure it doesn’t do them much good.   And Wenger will only sell if he feels he is getting the best deal.

So it goes.   Nothing to worry about.

Van Persie safe; Stanley Matthews signs

Stanley Matthews, the wizard of the wing, so good he once had an entire FA Cup Final all to himself, is “set to” sign for Arsenal.   Clubs across the world are “braced” for an annoucement.  

The World Player of 1958 (whose catchphrase was “Football: because it is”) was put on standby for Robin Van Persie, after fears grew that having played in 3 consecutive games he was due an injury.  

Matthews, who last week starred in an ITV 2 soap opera in which all the leading characters are dead, said he was delighted to be available in case Robin was crocked playing for Holland.. 

However with Van P looking to be safe for a run out against Barnet in a few weeks time Sir Stanley is likely to be allowed to rest, in order to ensure that he is fit for a new series of “Test Drive my Ball Skills” on Bravo.

Arsenal 7 Middlesboro 0: would you buy this man a cup of tea?

This is not a post from the past, but very much one for today.  It wasn’t just that the Middlesborough game played chez Highbury was so good (which it was) or that the Boro were so bad (they were fairly rough) it was that they were managed by a certain nutcase known as the McClaren.  

What made me remember this game today was that McLaren has just got a job with FC Twente who will be in the Champs League next season, so I am told.

Now the point is that McClaren is beyond any doubt whatsoever anyhow anywhere at any time ever the worst manager in the history of the planet, the solar system, and the Galaxy.   And probably Andromeda too.

At half time (and I am away from home so writing from memory which being of a Certain Age means it is not as good as it might once have been) we were 4-0 up in that game.  Now any semi-human manager would have done everything possible to put his defence in order to keep the score reasonable.  If there is a big clogging centre half on the bench aged about 33 who has broken legs in the past you bring him on, because sure as hell Pires and Henry would not bother to risk it against him.  4-0 up and that would do.

But the McClaren has none of that.  He TAKES OFF some of his experienced players and brings on teenagers.  Arsenal score 3 more and he says at the end, “We had five teenagers out there.”

Yes you did you total utter nutter, because at half time you brought three of them on.

Anyway, this glorious twirp then goes on to manage England, which I suppose is more or less what England deserve.  And they fail.  Big time.  I mean really big BIG time.  And the McClaren blames the pitch, the umbrella, the media, the banana he had for breakfast, everything except himself.

And now he has got a job in Holland, the country that is producing the most exciting football ever seen outside of Holland and the Arsenal.   I have to say this for the Twente supporters, they have been up in arms about it and threatened a mass walk out.   Good for you guys.

But if you support Ajax one thing is for sure.  6 points in the bag before the season starts.

Mr McClaren, I am sure you are reading this.  I’ve never met you, and I am sure you would be awfully good as a maths teacher or a bus driver.  But please, why must you inflict yourself on decent honest football fans who have never done anything to spoil your life except point out that as a football manager you are rubbish.

Does humour have a place in football

When I gather with a few mates at the Auld Triangle (or whatever it chooses to be called this season), prior to another stunning Arsenal victory, we stand in the road (in contravention of the 2004 Road Traffic Act), drink (ditto) and talk (probably ditto under the Terrorism Act, and now punishable by 42 days inside without charge).

We talk of serious matters sometimes, but also we joke, we have fun, we laugh.  We do the same in the stadium.  Of course we have serious moments, we cringe, we scream abuse at Robbie Savage, all that stuff, but also we laugh. 

Even some of the songs have me in stitches.   Singing, “We’ll race you back to London” to the Man Bankrupt supporters who managed to find their way to the Elder Trafford, is very amusing.  Droll even.

So what is it that the journalists and the bloggers have got against humour in football. If you are reflecting football, there should be the odd laugh.  The Guardian does it ok but otherwise it is all a bit serious.

I only came to think of this when I noticed that very few of the slightly amusing pieces published by Untold Arsenal ever make it onto the rolling Arsenal story sites like GoonerNews.   I’ve never quite worked out why.  It can’t be censorship can it? 

Now I know that I am inviting a load of emails saying that it is because we are a bunch of turnips for whom a season ticket at Tottenham would be suitable punishment, but well, a bit of lightheardedness doesn’t go amiss.  After all, Up the Arse is often advertised as “Laugh at those who deserve it”

Anyway, if you look back through yesterday’s stuff you find odds and ends that are marginally mirthifull.  If you are that way inclined.  None of the last 3 posts made it onto the rolling news services.  I leave you to work out why.

Adebayor: the full story

To the north of London, past the dim and forbidding landscapes of Luton, there is a modest sized town with a pub which is known as the Toppled Bollard.   That’s not its real name – it is just the name given to it by locals who noticed that all the keep left signs in the area had been knocked over by those who inhabit the pub.

This is the pub where agents meet.   The fact that it is not in London gives us a clue as to what is going on.   They meet at the Toppled Bollard in order to ensure that they make the most money without anyone noticing that apart from making money they don’t do anything.

The future of Adebayor like that of the Manchester Bankrupt player Ronaldododo is worked on inside this building.  Same with any player with an agent.  (I am told Pires is the only guy in recent years who did it all himself – if true, one up to your Sir Robert).

The central aim of the agents in all these discussions is to create uncertainty and confusion.   Their first step is to ensure that the agents of various players are not in any way undermining each other’s efforts through crossed-messages.  Hence the meetings at the Bollard.

So, if we take Ade as an example (and I don’t mean him personally – it applies to all of them), the agent starts by checking which clubs might be linked to Ade  – and ensuring that he can run the story without that distracting from another story that is running.   If there are other stories already doing the rounds, this has to be woven into the myth that is created.

The agent in question (to give him a name we’ll call him Mr Bleed-em-dry – or Bleed for short) rules out most clubs (Wigan for example are not likely to make a bid for Ade, although Ronaldodo might fit in) and is left with a short list.   Real Madrid is out in terms of a bid for Ade because they are playing with Ronaldodo.  Barca are already tied up with a story about Hleb, and so on.

So we get to Milan – but they have said they will maybe take Berbatov from the Tiny Totts.

Next step the Milan story is expanded to “here is our shortlist” and it now includes several centre forwards – incorporating Ade into the mix.   Then Berbatov is needed for another story, so he (and in fact all the others) are dropped from the Milan list, and Mr Bleed has a story that goes, “Milan says its Ade or nothing.”

What does Ade know about this?   Bugger all, actually.  He’s on holiday in Nepal or New Zealand or Nigeria or somewhere else starting with N. But a statement is put out saying that Ade would be “proud to play for Milan”.   Which is true – few players stay at one club for ever, and they all have to be proud to play for a big team.   I’d be proud to play for Milan – although so far they haven’t asked me.  I’d be proud to play for Wood Green Town, but they went bust, so I can’t.

So, all we have is a story created by Mr Bleed, the agent.   Nothing else is happening.

Now Mr Bleed goes to Arsenal and says, “My client wants a new contract.  Last year he scored as many as that Henry character in his 3rd year, so more dosh please.  You will have heard about Milan’s interest.  Honest truth governors I don’t know where these stories come from but there it is.  What do you say?”

And Arsenal have to reply.

Meanwhile the sorry and sad little people in Milan, like Mr Berlusconi and all those types, look at the story and think, “hey this Ade chap, he looked quite good when we played Arsenal.   What do you think?”

And someone else says, “well, the movement is with us – it is a big story – let’s stoke up the story and do something.”   So they make a £20 million bid, which actually isn’t a £20m bid, but involves all sorts of sell on deals, price additions, payment per game, and a few other bits including an agreement that Arsenal will stop laughing when Flamini returns to his form of the year before last) which if you value them up comes to something that might be in that arena, but probably isn’t.

Now Ade, who actually quite likes the superstar status of being compared to that Terry Henry chap, and who doesn’t want to go anywhere, gets back home and says, “Hey Mr Bleed what you doing – I didn’t say that stuff – I like Arsenal,” and Bleed replies, “Don’t worry my son, you ain’t going nowhere, but I am just negotiating another £1 a second pay deal for you.”

“And do they pay that when I am asleep?” says Ade.

“Sure does,” says Mr Bleed, and Ade gets his £31,000 a week pay rise, except he has to give 20% of that to Mr Bleed, who having spent a few nice nights in the Toppled Bollard and made one phone call to Arsenal, has made himself a cool £6200 a week in addition to everything else he makes.  He goes back to the Toppled Bollard, has a lot to drink, drives his Merc out of the carpark onto the main road and hits a keep left sign.

If Holland can play like Arsenal why not England?

In footballing terms Holland doesn’t have much going for it.   It’s not very big – 16 million people which is about 30% the size of England.

The league is very poor, compared to the EPL, and virtually all top players play outside of the country.

So how come they can play so well – and not just this time, but when they won the Euro, and when they played in two World Cup Finals?

The answer is… mentality.  A mentality that says, come on, let’s try.  Let’s be creative.  Let’s experiment.  Let’s no be afraid of mistakes.  Don’t worry if it goes wrong.  Try it.  Change the system.  Try something else.

It is, in short, the mentality of Arsenal.

And this very simple analysis shows not only why England can’t and won’t win anything, but also why Arsenal has had to rely on foreign players, and why the only English players who are ever going to be any good are those who come through from the age of about 3 months.

English schools do not teach creativity.  They do not value creativity.  They value order and control.  For example, go to a school in Holland and look at the kids.  They are wearing what they want.   Can this happen in England?  No of course not, we all have to be the same – everyone has to wear the uniform.  People talk as if the entire schooling system would collapse without uniform.

In Holland there are few schools with uniform.  Does the country fall apart?  No.

In English schools there is an emphasis on marks, grades, exams.   The Dutch do this, but not to the exclusion of everything else.  They value art, music, drama – and that expression of the self is taken on to football.

Listen to some half-baked ill trained football journalist talk about Holland and within 2.3 seconds he calls the Dutch team, “Dutch Masters” referring to the school of painting that gave us everything that we recognise as 17th century.

The big problem is you can never contemplate making England a centre for the celebration of creativity in the child.   When there is creativity it is nurtured outside of any educational system, and the creative person is seen as some sort of freak.   Think of our great creatives, such the rock musicians of the past 50 years.  How much of that was nurtured in school?   About minus 100%.

Or think back to the golden age of English creativity – the period from around 1580 to 1620 – the greatest period of the English theatre.   True, Shakespeare and the Kings Men played at the royal courts.   But the theatre, and Shakespeare’s plays were grounded in the humour and entertainment of the masses.   The theatres were shut over and over again because of riotous behaviour among the crowds, and the sedition of what was said on stage.  It was never part of the education or establishment.  The establishment hated it and did everything possible to control it.  The Globe was built where it was to try and get away from the censorship of the state.

So, that’s why Arsenal is full of foreign players.  That is why Holland can play like Arsenal, and England can’t.   And that’s why we can’t do anything about it.

What journalists refuse to say about Euro 2008

The injury list from Euro 2008 is getting massive.

But is it the biggest set of injuries ever? Given that supporters of their clubs won’t be able to watch them at full fitness next season you might expect the newspapers to be keeping a running total of just how much damage Euro 2008 does to the game for the rest of the year.

But no – not a word. It is as if the world of Euro 2008 exists on its own and that the injuries – some seriously long term – don;t relate to the real world.

I have mentioned before the likes of Alexander Frei, the goalkeeper Quim, Arjen Robben who is struggling on making a groin injury worse, Ryan Babel, Christian Panucci, Fabio Cannavaro, Pavel Pogrebnyak. There have been others, but now there is the big name of Ribery to be added to the list.

Euro 2008 is having a major impact on football in the major leagues next season, but don’t tell a journalist.

France punished over Flamini affair

The mysterious group of fans known as the “Curse of Arsenal” who claim to have the power to influence events on and off the pitch, struck again yesterday as France exited from the Euro Games in a sad and sorry display.

The “Curse of Arsenal” group had previously explained that their curse placed on Flamini (as a result of his refusing to resign for Arsenal) would be visited upon the French national team.   Initially Flamini was dropped from the French squad in a move that was widely seen as an attempt by France to distance themselves from the Curse.

But then Flamini was returned to the squad because of Vieira’s injury.

A spokesman for the Curse said that clubs and countries must expect to suffer for the sins of their players.

Earlier this season Birmingham City were subjected to the Curse of Arsenal, after the dreadful attack on Eduardo.   Subsequently the club was raided by the fraud squad and papers removed, and two very senior figures within the club were arrested, and later released on police bail.  At the end of the season the club was relegated – even though at the time of the Eduardo event this seemed an unlikely scenario.

Flamini’s departure saw an immediate use of the Curse when he found, within days of signing, that he would not be playing in the European Cup next season, but would instead be performing against the likes of the Tiny Totts from Tottenham in the Dumbly Dimbly Cup.  He was also dropped from the French squad, but reinstated, which is why the Curse was invoked against the whole French team.

Fixture list reveals need for depth of squad

The fixture list for the new season reveals that after five of the six champions league group stage matches, Arsenal will be away.   Thus the club could be involved in a long trip back from some far flug corner of Europe, arriving back perhaps Thursday lunchtime, and then on Friday face a trip away again.

With the inevitable injuries it means there is no chance of playing the same team over and over again through both Euro and domestic games.

This is undoubtedly the reason why Wenger is bringing through so many younger players so that he can chop and change in the coming season in the way he has not been able to do before now.

That’s not to say that all the newcomers are ready to slog it out with the likes of Bolton, Blackburn and the other cloggie teams, but the ability to move around one or two players could be very helpful.

Denilson, Diaby, Ramsey, Vela, Merida, Randall and Barazite could all be included on this basis, along with the option of Theo moving from wing to centre forward, Eboue returning to full back, and so on.   And with van Persie and Eduardo playing we should be much better prepared than last year – even if we can’t have Rosicky.

What ever happened to feeder clubs?

Once upon a time there were feeder clubs – Arsenal were one of the first clubs to have such a relationship – with Margate FC in the 1930s.

Since then the powers that be have, inevitably, become involved and made all sorts of rules about the relationship between clubs.   Arsenal worked their way through the minefield and had a deal with Beveren in Belgium – a deal which brought Toure and Eboue to us, but which then came to an end with all sorts of wild allegations made by the BBC – allegations which still remain on their web site.

FIFA then found there was nothing wrong, no one was charged with anything, and everything carried on, although the arrangement with Beveren came to an end in 2006, and since then the club has fallen into the second division.

Beveren was odd in the sense that it was a Belgium club in which all the players came from the Ivory Coast – which must have been odd for the supporters.   So that is all long since gone.

Since then the really interesting link has been with clubs in Spain, and we have a growing range of links with the likes of Merida and Vela playing there, among others.

Having a feeder club somewhere, somehow, would make a lot of sense, if it can be done within the regulations, and Division 2 in Spain would seem an ideal place – not least because it is easier to get players from South America into the EU via  Spain than it is via other countries.   And it would give us all another place to visit during the holidays.  (The second division in Spain plays on until June).

And one little PS.   When the silly twirp Flamini left a whole load of blogs came up with stories about Arsenal being the feeder club for the big boys of Europe.   How very droll.

Rosicky still injured… maybe

This is the time of year when people of sense and sensibility hold their breath, waiting for news of a player getting crocked in an international.

So far it has not happened this summer – maybe this could be the first summer since, oh, sometime around the middle ages, when no Arsenal player has been done by his international team.

But of course the good news couldn’t last.   There I was hoping against hope that Eduardo, Rosicky and Van Persie would all be fighting fit for day one of the new season (a little matter of West Bromwich Wobbleu) when the news come in that Roskicky will only have only just started to train by then.

Now I must admit I picked the news up while trying (and failing) to have a look at the Holland 4-1 victory over someone or other, on the ITV web site, and ITV don’t have the best record when it comes to telling the future.  (Remember “Tottenham will finish in the Top 4″ that was said over and over and over, this time last year).

Still, two out of three is still ok, if Robin can just hold himself together a bit longer.

Is this the end of anti-football?

2007/8 was the season of Anti-Football – that awful, slow, grinding out of negative football with the hope of nicking a goal at the end.   This wasn’t the only year of Anti-Football, but it was one of the worst.

Most infamous operators of the system were Chelsea under Grant, Greece and Glasgow Rangers.   What is interesting is that while the system got them to a certain level within their competitions, it wasn’t enough.   And while Rangers supporter have shown they will turn up no matter what the style their club play, Chelsea – for long associated with Rangers – have shown that there comes a point where only the most fanatical will keep watching.

The much more open approach devised by Arsenal under Wenger, and now played by Manchester United on occasion does not always manage to beat Anti-Football, but in the long term it looks like Anti-Football doesn’t win.

So, who will be trying it on next season?

Chelsea under Scholari will be a new team, with the much vaunted “break even within 3 years” now thrown out the window, as the manager is authorised to spend anything it takes.  It would seem unlikely that Scholari – a Brazilian – will indulge in anti-football.

Rangers are still in shock, having talked for so long about the quadruple, ending up with trophies where they are able to play out finals against the likes of Queen of the South.  They might stick with it one more time, but it would be a final throw of the dice if they do.

Greece were humiliated this time around in the Euros, and they will change.   No one will talk about Greece – everyone talks about Holland who play the Arsenal way, positive, attacking, Perfect Football.

The funniest story of the hour, day, week, month, year…

Here it is.

Oswaldo Ceaser Ardilles is going to be director of football at Southampton.  Or is it Sheffield Wednesday.  Sorry I have forgotten – I was laughing so much.

Here is the great man’s work thus far in footballing management

Swindon Town – resigned amidst financial irregularities

Newcastle Utd – sacked

West Bromwich Woddleu – resigned

Tottenham Hotspure – resigned amidst financial irregularities

Guadalajora Mexico – no record of what happened, but he left

Shimizu – ditto

Ypokohama – sacked

Al – littihad (Saudi Arabia – sacked)

Racing Argentina – no record of what happened

Tokyo Verdy – sacked

There is no suggestion that Mr A did anything amiss in the financial irregularities that have twice dogged his career as one of the great football managers.

Why Scholari is such wonderful news for Arsenal

Imagine for a dreadful moment that you (rather than “Sir” Alex Ferguson) are the manager of Manchester Bankrupt.

Your entire basis for future success is based on buying, buying and more buying, generally with an outpouring of 35 million pounds a year – maybe more.   Yes, let’s conceded you are a great manager, a brilliant tactician with the best record of any manager ever in the EPL.  You’ve also got the manners of a hedgehog and look as if the Minister of Transport had got the idea of creating a red warning beacon for when the M25 was shut, but then stuck a body and legs on it – but still you can do the job.

Then along comes Thug Scholari, who has accepted the job of CSKA Fulham’s boss on the condition that he can have half the profits of the Russian oil industry with which to buy players.   Suddenly the price of everyone goes through the roof.   No one will sell to anyone just in case the Thug might want to buy them later.

Meanwhile everyone gets annoyed and upset.  It’s one thing having the usual nutters at Real Madrid and Barca saying that they want to purchase Cesc Fabregas, Gael Clichy and Charlie Chaplin’s ghost – that happens each year and everyone knows it is just political what-not.

But now there is a real big nutcase player out there, and anything but anything might actually be true.

Now imagine you are the manager of Liverpool Bankrupt.  Despite losing ground on other teams you state that last year was an improvement, and that with another 40-odd million  you could probably arrange not to be beaten 3-6 at home by Arsenal’s reserve squad next season.   The club is bust, it can’t pay its bills, and the owners are squabbling, and suddenly not only have all the players you want to buy doubled in price, but your best players are now being touted as going to CSKA Fulham.  Your entire planning process is dead.

Meanwhile, what of Arsenal – the only significant club in England that is not based on buying anyone.  As we have shown elsewhere, there is a huge influx of new players already at the club for next season – Merida, Vela and on and on.  Plus our one buy (Aaron Ramsey) has shown the power of Arsenal’s style over the rest of the clubs.

If we don’t buy a single player it doesn’t matter because in addition to last season’s team we have three long-term injuries, at least two of whom ought to make a significant impact this year.   Plus the two loanees mentioned above.   Plus that long list of young players now ready to break through into the real world.  Plus the awakened Theo – all before we have bought.

So if the transfer market does descend into chaos, one thing is 100% sure.  It won’t affect us at all.