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Back to the End of the Universe
Peter Hawkins
Like most of you supporters of real football, I was feeling really pissed off by last Sunday tea-time.
“Bugger this!” I thought to myself (nobody else was listening), “I’m going out to see if I can tell those who support the good guys just by looking at their faces.”
It didn’t take long to realise that there are many more real fans than I’d originally realised, so I decided I would go home for tea after all.
Suddenly there was a flash of bright light that momentarily blinded me.
“Marty! Marty!” I heard someone shout, and, as my vision returned, I saw an old man with a hairstyle that made Sideshow Mel look normal run up and grab me by the arm.
“Marty! I’ve adjusted the flux capacitor so that we can travel through space as well as time. Now we can…”
He stopped and scrutinised me more carefully. “You’re not Marty,” he said, “Who the flux are you?”
Before I could reply, he continued his rant. “No, wait. He did tell me – he said he has to go… …Back To The Video Store! Well, damned if I’m going to waste those reservations. You…” and he shook my arm in emphasis, “…will come and dine with me at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”
Now I’m never one to give up the chance of a free meal, so I accepted. And what an enjoyable time I had. Dr. Brown, or Emmett as he insisted I call him, turned out to be a Gooner. He’d tried all sports, decided he loved football (though he would insist on calling it soccer), tried all teams, then discovered that there was only one team – The Arsenal.
All the way through the appetiser and entree, we discussed what we knew. Of course, he knew much more than I did, including the fact that the name of our current manager was – or in my case, will be – held in high esteem for centuries.
Then came the piece de resistance. He showed me his prime possession – a program from the year 2393. Not that the game was important – he couldn’t even remember the score – but the date, 16 September, will be regarded as the 500th anniversary of The Arsenal’s entry into league football.
I begged, I pleaded, I entreated. I would have done more except I hadn’t brought my thesaurus with me. All to no avail. He wouldn’t part with it. He did make some excuse about timeline continuum and in the end allowed me to take a photocopy of one page (apparently, photocopies are considered neither legal nor binding, although I don’t know of anybody eating enough to test the binding part).
I chose what I considered the best page to photocopy and happily append it for your perusal. Free of charge, as I believe it’s impossible to eat more than one dinner.
ARSENAL v LOWER EAST GUILDFORD ROVERS
Manager’s Preview
As the very proud manager of The Arsenal, I, Orson Wagner, am honoured on this our 500th anniversary as league members, to welcome our loyal fans and opponents here to the Home of Football.
At the time of writing, we lead the league if only on goal difference. We have prevailed and will continue to prevail even though this has proved to be a difficult season, beset by injuries. If FIFA succeed in their annual attempt to eliminate the mid-season transfer window, our task would become more difficult. As it is, our squad has been cut down such that we are likely to have to introduce members of the youth squad before we really want to.
Fortunately, the youths have already won their division (yes, I know this is nothing new) and the ladies are expected to do the same in the near future, so they will not suffer.
As you know, FIFA have already managed to introduce the regulation that each team should be allowed only one and a half foreign players during each season. We did sign our one foreign player, Aaron Agee-String – on a free transfer – before the season and intend to sign our half man for the second half – if the mid-season window goes ahead.
Of course, our own Olympic Committee made our task more difficult when, in the days of television, they decided to split the U.K. into four separate countries and increase the monetary possibilities. (I assume you’ve all heard of television before Bill Doors introduced Wifify-fifify and made online streaming viable for all, and Rudolph Mudroch successfully marketed it).
There are some who accuse us of abusing the foreign player rule by the inclusion of Campbell Soul at centre-half, but he is legal since he can prove that one of his ancestors was a fully paid-up member of our supporter’s club. And as for our goalkeeper, Les Almunia, he is english. It is an undeniable fact that one of his ancestors was granted citizenship after requesting political (or some kind of) asylum. And contrary to popular belief, our other central defender, Victor Sylvester, is not played only because he comes from the same town as me.
I suspect that you need no introduction to today’s opponents. What many of you may not realise is that LEG Rovers, as they like to be known, are thought to be an offshoot of our own club. It is rumoured that they were formed in opposition to our type of play, entered the Greater Guildford Sunday League and made it into the league after being bought by a group of Middle East businessmen (Middle East Guildford, that is).
Many of my predecessors, along with the rest of the teams in the Super-Duper-Premium league, favoured the 8-1-1 format – giving rise to our stats – P9, W0, D9, L0, goals for 1, against 0. How well we all remember that own goal by Mudchester Untied.
For this game I am going to go for a 6-2-2 format and I beseech you fans to support the lads in their effort at this inovative experiment, especially when our forwards get it right – so come on, lets hear it “Robin and Percy! Robin and Percy!”
And always remember – Forward, for we are The Arsenal!
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Postscriptum:
I beg the indulgence of you readers for what appears to be an anomaly in the article above.
Like you too, I was mystified by the statistics shown in the Manager’s Report regarding points and goals. When Emmett Brown told me a little of the future-history involved, then all became clear.
In the middle of the 21st century, after Mudchester Untied went 5 seasons without winning anything, its long-serving manager, Sir Anoyin Farquar, managed to steamroller through the FA Committee a new regulation which stipulated that for the good of english football, any own goals scored by Mudchester should not be counted towards the points tally, only in goal difference.
Press pundits jumped on the bandwagon, saying that come the end of the season, that goal difference was worth a point anyway. Although Sir AF was incapable of pressurising the FA on his own, he was helped by his mate, Weightily-Challenged Sam (p.c. was rife at the time) and by ‘Airy Rednipps – both of whom were so stupid that they didn’t realise that the rule would harm their own teams.
‘Airy Rednipps at the time managed a team which was relegated that season and whose name has since been lost in oblivion – he was last seen running along Seven Sisters screaming “Where’s that top four place you promised us, you gum-chewing bastard?”
This led to other teams adopting defensive formats – the 8-1-1 being the most extreme. Football became more and more boring with only Orson Wagner having the balls to attempt to re-introduce free-flowing football with more attack although success took longer than many impatient fans wanted.
The regulation was rescinded after it was discovered that money had changed hands during the original vote. After what became known as the Just-bung-it-in-the-top-drawer conspiracy – although press pundits declared it not to be a real conspiracy since its name didn’t end in “gate” – certain members of the FA staff were dismissed – two part-time cleaners were fired – while others were promoted out of their positions of power.
After all this, football gradually returned to its former greatness – although at times it was still boring.
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Background Noise
The World’s Gone Wrong: how would other clubs have coped with this level of injury?
The Origins of Corruption. How the football league has been corrupt since its very first season.
An analysis of statistics. A look back to the Tiny Totts game
Ten minutes of insanity. A retrospective on the Wigan game
Read the book – it will do you good