UNTOLD ARSENAL » 2009 » January » 09

Mr Bean E Tez, manager of Liverpool Insolvency today spoke to Untold Arsenal.

“I want to talk about facts.  Manchester Utd play every home match at home.  You probably don’t realise this but it is true.   Sir Alex F Word keeps assaulting referees, and all he gets is probation.  No one arrests him.  No one shoots him like they did in my country in the 1930s.  Why not?  No one will tell me.

“Every Manchester match is refereed by a referee.   You probably didn’t know that.  I asked for Mohammed Al Fayed to be the referee for our last game but they wouldn’t allow it.  I asked for Stevie Stevie to be ref but they wouldn’t allow that either and gave a penalty to Manchester.

“Here’s another thing.  Manchester United play half of their games in Manchester – they only play at our ground once a year.     The press never mentions this.  That shows how against Liverpool they are.

“Before I came to Liverpool, Liverpool would get a penalty in every game, guaranteed, five minutes into injury time, in front of the Koppy thing.  Now we only get them every other game.   You call that fair?  I call it cheating.

“Liverpool were the first team to play a cup final with no English players at all in the side in the 1980s – but we never got credit for that.  Now all you hear is that Wenger uses foreign players a lot.   Why doesn’t anyone remember that we did it first.  No one said anything when Liverpool was a non-English team

“At Christmas, we had to play football matches.  You call that fair?

“Last year we had to play Bolton twice.  They are animals – they cheat – do you call that reasonable?

“I want it simple and straight.  Liverpool wins the league.  No question.  We choose the fixtures.   Opening game, we play Torquay United.   After that we play Berwick Rangers.   That is fair.   Manchester United they play Arsenal away.  That is fair.  We play Wrexham.

“I am not telling the authorities what to do.  I am just telling the authorities what to do.  that is fair.

“Mr Ferguson is killing the referees, killing Mr Atkinson, killing Mr Hackett. But he is not punished. This is fact.”

“I love the Swiss Navy.   Bring on the dancing girls.”

At this point Mr Benitez was removed for questioning.

Sadly Goonernews had one of its blips with all my other comments about Barca and Ferraris earlier today, so it didn’t list the masterpiece of an article – but you can go back and read it again if you like.

Here’s the Ferrari joke.   The wall wasn’t back ten yards.

There’s a new HIGHBURY HIGH on sale, containing such a cornucopia that you won’t know your corn has been coped.  I heartily recommend it to every supporter, not least because there’s something by me in it.

Highbury High will be on sale outside the ground on Saturday for only two pounds.  (Listen for the jolly cries of “Brand New Highbury High”).

Subscriptions cost £12 for 6 issues (£15 in Europe, £18 for Rest of the World). Send a cheque for £12 to Highbury High, 11 Tannington Terrace, Gillespie Road London N5 1LE.  If you don’t I shall be very upset.

(c) Tony Attwood 2009

Editor’s note: A full investigation has been undertaken to establish what Mr Attwood put in his coffee this afternoon.  We apologise for any inconvenice caused with today’s articles.