UNTOLD ARSENAL » 2009 » February » 10

The scenes that greeted the sight of Gael’s blood at the WHL ground last Sunday revealed that it is never a good idea to take the Tiny Totts at face (or any other part of their anatomy) value.

As the cameras revealed the baying hordes salivating at the sight of blood, desperate to bite into the body, it became easier to understand why it always seems so dismal in their ground.

So for safety, at the next encounter with the TiddlyWiddlys all supporters are being advised to carry garlic, silver bullets and wooden stakes.  Special arrangements will be made to allow these to be carried in to the Ems.

Meanwhile if you believe you have a Tiny Tott living close by, here is some helpful guidance.

First, look for a hole in the ground. Apart from being the natural habitat of the Tott,  vampires sometimes have to dig their way out.

Second, scatter salt wherever you think a Tott Vampire will have been.  They really don’t like it and anyway it is bad for you.

Third, use garlic, hawthorn branches, or a cross to trap your Tott vampire in a corner (you can also use a corner flag). Protect yourself from revenge by making a cross of tar on your front door.

Fourth dig the Tott vampire in October during the manager sacking season. According to the early Greeks, that’s when a vampire is weakest.

Fifth push iron stakes through his coffin and straight into the ground if you catch him at rest.

Sixth bury his body under running water – vampires can’t stand it and Totts don’t wash.

Seventh fire a silver bullet blessed by a priest into his heart.  They don’t like either.

Eighth drive an aspen, ash or white thorn stake through his heart with a single blow if you want to make a lasting impression.  I tried this on the Great Cambridge Road and several people turned to look.

Ninth pour boiling water, boiling oil or holy water into his grave.  Failing that, onto some area of semi-grassland off the Tottenham High Street

Tenth cremate his body or make a paste from his flesh for closure. Take the paste to Stamford Bridge

If on the other hand you have something more positive to say, and perhaps without too many references to vampires, you might like to consider writing a piece for Highbury High, the magazine which with Untold Arsenal, reflects the positive side of our club.

If you are interested, there’s a new edition out soon.   Drop a line to the HH editor and regular contributor to these pages, Ian Trevett at  ian.trevett@ntlworld.com and he’ll be pleased to consider your piece.

Advice on How to kill a vampire from Ehow.com