FIRE SALE – EPL Club up for sale and cheap at half the price « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger; coach of the decade

FIRE SALE – EPL CLUB UP FOR SALE AND CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE

Don McMahon

Well its finally happened. AFC have been put up for sale to the highest bidder. Messrs Kroenke and Usmanov have thrown in the towel and decided to get out while the going is good. Why may you ask is this happening when they both just became engaged in a financial cat-fight that looked  almost Mafia-like?

Apparently they have their reasons BUT an inside source told me that both owners felt overwhelmed with the ¨facts¨ that our Gloomer-Doomer Gooner fans have been bombarding them and the blogsphere with since January last and it all finally hit home. Therefore, bowing to such consistent and powerful pressure, they jumped on the bandwagon, abandoned their investment plans in AFC and have put a FOR SALE sign outside the Emirates.

Now the asking price is still secret BUT my ever reliable inside source says that they will consider a bid at about ten-pence on the pound, which, in the light of our recent Gooner gloomy predictions and abysmal performances over 6 years, seems to accurately reflect fair market value! Here are the reasons my source gave me for this peculiar state of affairs:

1)      It seems we have a man who, despite being considered the EUFA manager of the decade and having transformed the Club from a mediocre and boring EPL perennial also-ran into the Invincibles of legend, has suffered a total dysfunctional, ¨lost the plot¨ breakdown and isn’t worth the paper on the contract he signed last year. He was warned but he was too stubborn!

2)      Apparently all our players are either injury prone prima-donnas, lazy and overpaid losers, inexperienced neophytes without any mentors or worse still, disloyal sycophants who are lined up to jump ship for warmer climes. Is Manchester actually warmer than London?

3)      It is proven fact,according to sources in the know (prophets of doom, fortune-tellers, augurs etc.) that we will never win another trophy, we are headed for certain relegation or at least mid-table mediocrity (still ok since we’ve been there before), and are ambition-less losers with no desire to win anything but excessive salaries and a new sports car every year.

4)      Nobody wants to transfer to our Club as they see the obvious direction we are headed in and they eschew us for such stellar overachievers as the Tiny Totts, Shitty, Newcastle and so on. Much of the devaluation in our Club’s worth is attributed to the Board’s greedy hoarding of potential transfer funds and our two Billionaire owners’ unwillingness to splash the cash, so fondly encouraged by our Gloomy Doomer Gooners. They were warned but they ignored all!

5)      To top it all off, we have to face the fact that everything we have tried since 2005 has been absolutely doomed to utter failure, but particularly the youth development and transfer process. We have not brought in any players worth their salt, have few full Internationals and our kids are pitiful shadows of the great Invincibles of yesteryear. Anyone who is knowledgeable of the finer points of FIFA football Manager KNOWS that playing kids doesn’t make a man’s team!

6)      The nail in AFC’s coffin has been our manager’s stubborn refusal to spend the enormous funds available to him to buy proven stars who will pick this team up by its bootlaces and drag them,kicking and screaming, over the goal-line! IF ONLY we would spend like Real or City, we would have been guaranteed success, just like them!

7)      Least but also last was Barcelona’s obvious disdain and dismissal of our best player’s worth. Since they won everything available to them they must know what they are doing and this is a sure sign that our star is fading fast, our value is plummeting and wisely, our beloved owners have seen the light and offered the Club to Barcelona. However, due to a slight cash-flow problem and coloured photocopy ink shortages at the Nou Camp, they politely declined our proposal but still want the aforementioned player for DNA testing purposes.

Anyone up for organizing a fire sale to the AST….they have asked for more shares..100% maybe?