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Boreham Stiff v Arsenal
By Sir Toby Belch
Hithertofore to Boreham Stiff, a diminutive principality adjoined to the kingdom of Spagetti Hoops, Hertfordshire. I love the Boreham Stiff web site for today (20th July) it invites me to buy tickets for the match on 17th July against Watford. (It was a 1-1 draw).
With my trusty time machine at the ready, I shall set the boat course aside and float out. Given the time differential I can arrange for them to pay be to turn up in the past, and thus profit is made! Everyone wins. Well actually the club doesn’t.
Foresooth! At present most of Hertfords is under water, and the county of Bert Hert (after whom it is names) is used primarily for penguin farming – as well as being the largest mongoose factory this side of the Urals.
Meadow Park, where the game will take place at 3pm is itself a unified centrepiece for the celebration of the establishment of waterpolo among in the Sahara. Outbreaks of swine flu have been almost totally eradicated from most of the housing estates and there are several public houses which have not had a notifiable disease in weeks. Terrorism hardly exists on many of the beaches.
Top man in the Stiffs is Ian Allinson forever known as the beneficiary of the biggest bureaucratic cock up in football since England decided to join Fifa. He was with Colchester (a diminutive principality south of Albania) but by mistake they let his registration with the Football Querk Master in Wembley, expire in 1983 and so he signed for Arsenal on a free.
Sadly the opening did not go well, for in his first game we lost to Walsall. I mean, can you imagine a team under Herbert Chapman losing to Walsall?
As a result of signing Ian, Terry Neill was sacked within days, but Don Howe put in him in the team (Ian not Terry, I mean you wouldn’t put our ex-manager in the team would you, that would be silly) and in 1984/5 he played 20 games and scored 10 goals in the league and one in the league cup. Amazingly this made him equal top scorer for the season.
What, I wonder my darlings, would the AAA have made of that?
Eh?
George Graham however was a grisly old merchant sea-farmer, and he didn’t like the dashing young Ian even though the League Cup semi-final replay against a rather lesser known team called Seven Sisters Baby Sitters Ian came on as substitute. We were 1-0 down. Ian scored, and then so did Rocastle.
Thus was born the 1-0 down 2-1 up legend not to mention a fanzine capable of the most astounding negativity. The meandering bodkins from down the lane had won the first semi 1-0 at Arsenal, and were so certain of their place in the final that they were announcing how tickets could be obtained for that game, during the half time interval. Oh what foolish fellows what contrary chaps. How silly they must have felt! What dolts! What gerrymanders! What ibuprofens!
How we laughed!
Ian didn’t play in the final, but he had made his mark and he was given a free transfer after 105 games and 23 goals.
Ian is now known as Mr Yo Yo (or in Australia Mr Oy Oy) . He went to Boreham Stiff FC. He left Boreham Stiff after a year, but then came back as Director of Football in 2005. He left in 2006, but then came back a bit later. Here’s here, here’s there he’s every fucking where… Oh no sorry that was Bobby Gould.
So who plays?
Actually I haven’t got a clue as I am currently starring in 12th Night at the Frumpton Parish Hall in Little Legover by the Frog (a watering hole in Spain), but I think we have a squad that looks like this…
- Damian Martinez
- James Shea
- Martin Angha
- Daniel Boateng
- Sead Hajrovic
- Jernade Meade
- Elton Monteiro
- Kyle Ebecilio
- Samir Bihmoutine
- Josh Rees
- Jordan Wynter
- Phillip Roberts
- Hector Bellerin
- Kristoffer Olsson
- Chuba Akpom
- Sanchez Watt
- Conor Henderson
- Thomas Eisfeld
And thus I, with my outrageous and astounding knowledge of Olympic tug boating and Norwegian plunge wrestling, predict the team will be
Damian Martinez
Jernade Meade; Daniel Boateng; Sead Hajrovic; Elton Monteiro
Kristoffer Olsson; Kyle Ebecilio; Conor Henderson
Thomas Eisfeld; Sanchez Watt; Chuba Akpom
Remember you read it here first, unless you didn’t in which case you should have.
This is the start of the world of Terry Burton. He is 159 years old (that’s what it says here) and is head development coach and won the youth cup with us when we beat Henry VIII Warriors on the battle fields of France. Good man. Untold broke the news of his appointment months or even days before the event.
More importantly it is the start of life as Arsenal men for all these guys except for Sanchez Watt, whom we all thought was really going to make it big time. Either he has made it big time and so is here as a stabilising force for the rest of the team, or he is on display as the club want to sell him. At 21 he really ought to be making it having been with Southend, Leeds, Wednesday, and Crawley, but here he is back in the Reserves. A freebie beckons I fear.
So for the stars of the show I would go with
- Damian Martinez
- Kyle Ebecilio
- Conor Henderson
- Thomas Eisfeld
- Chuba Akpom
And there you have it and if you don’t you can hardly call it my fault.
How to get to Boreham Stiff
Follow the M1 roadworks north until you get to the M25 canal. Disembark and hire a local long boat, keeping clear of the seaweed and the memorial to Pope Clement. At the monastery turn right into Boreham which the pope granted the whole of for the feeding of swine (you have been warned). There is a waste land called the Common which was once given to Elstree but they gave it back.
While you are there you may be called upon to make a film or two, possibly working as an actor in a film studio where the latest James Bond film is not being made. According to Wiki “In addition to the studios, the town is also home to many retail shops, offices and light industry.”
Thus a splendid time is guaranteed.
I mean, retail shops? Not just shops, but retail shops. My heart pounds.