Barking mad: the story of football, DNA and some very young boys « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News, supporting the club, the players and the manager
By Father Brian
Now on day release, Father Brian who still maintains his innocence has embarked on a journey of self discovery. His interest in boys is well documented (HM Govt vs. Fr. B Murphy 2009) but bravely he has decided to attempt to lift the sheets on the secretive world of La Mafia. This is an in depth, undercover expose of the famous Barka Academy.
Much has been written and spoken about the marvellous progress made by Barka and their brand of tippy tapas football.
They are reaping the rewards of far sightedness and long term investment and patience. Someone had a dream and the dream was about young boys. Young boys run wild and free, chasing a football in the warm Spanish sun with perspiration shining, the sound of laughter ringing around the Olive groves. That man was arrested, but his dream lived on.
La Mafia de Mary Con (to give it its full title) is the heart of the Barka’s Youth or puppy as they are affectionately known, farming system. It was not really much to shout about until in 1979, a certain man called Crufts fresh from success in a dog breeding programme rolled into town and suggested that it was to be converted into Ajax lite. Crufts later became the coach of Barka.
A disused farm cottage and stables built around 1702, it was more or less left empty save for farm animals and the occasional romantic roll in the hay until it was converted into a social headquarters in 1957. With the expansion of the national socialists across Spain it became too closeted. It was converted into a dormitory and it was decided to lump all of the promising players they could steal, beg, traffic, borrow or buy into it and convert it into a hot house, a veritable naked sauna of footballing talent.
The rules of admission are strict, you have to be over 7, male, impressionable and be able to kick a ball, it matters not your nationality but it helps if you have beautiful eyes.
After years of hard physical endeavour, when you are a teenager they move you to the puppy farm, the now famous Barka cottaging experiment can begin.
“There are obvious advantages in having all these young boys in one place and constantly available 24/7. Their footballing and personal development can be closely monitored. We even have CCTV in the showers.” A kennel spokesman maintained.
The insertion of Barka DNA occurs when the head groom (an historical title based on the prior use of the building) decides the young man will be most amenable and for legal reasons, usually just after his 17th birthday. This is best achieved at night, the number of insertions being at the groom’s discretion. Though there have been rumours of some boys needing a year or two of regular evening ‘one to one’ interventions before they fully conform to the Barka Doggy Style instinctively.
The current coach Pepsi was kidnapped from his village in Santpaedo and has lived there since he was 13 and hopes to be allowed home soon. It may sound extreme but it makes good financial sense since the transfer fees of young boys are not high it is not an expensive way to create a willing pool of malleable talent
Currently they have squeezed in around 60 young men, 90% from Spain, 50% from Catalonia (very different from Spain) and 10% from elsewhere. So they have around 150% of players available to them.
Currently 12 first teamers have graduated from La Contra or the quarry which they call their prey (B Team to you and me), from which they were mined, shaped and polished into the final article before being unleashed? onto an unsuspecting football stage.
Chances are though that any individual will not make it through this strict and difficult maturation policy, in fact only 5% may make it to the first team, a further 20% may find a home in professional football at some level.
The rest can be found loitering in the shadier parts of city centres everywhere usually late at night, a modern variant of pay and you can play.
The players of the Contras are divided into two categories, Pearls and Backbones (boners to the people in the know).
If you are the boner you are likely to be a bit older, not really that good at football, well actually comparatively shit, you will be kept a year of two to help the Pearls harden up and then sold or discarded. Your Barka DNA will have been removed whilst you sleep and no one will admit to having known you, ever.
If you are a Pearl you are a youngster with potential and may well remain to see if their grooming, polishing and continuous daily input can convert you to the finished article.
Many of the boys are helped to grow up, L**nel was pumped full of growth hormone to increase his stature, though it hasn’t worked particularly well, and the club have since discontinued the practice of buying drugs off the internet.
Some do escape to play elsewhere of their own volition these may be the more sentient of the Backbones, or an ambitious Pearl. They have the opportunity to seek out their own destiny without leaving their future to the Anal cut that happens every year. It is rumoured that many flee the Barka DNA insertion, hence the loss of many 16 year olds.
The first director of the residence was Joan Farces, whose son Joan? took over from him after his death in 1993, as they like to keep things in the family and all sons are called Joan. In a break from tradition Carless Floggim has been the director since 2004; he lives locally as he is unable to drive, due to an embarrassing underage trafficking conviction some years ago.
No less than 503 youngsters have passed through the cottaging system since 1979 and most of them failed to make the grade at Barka unable to fully demonstrate the famous Barka Doggy Style. Happily they have a metal chute that runs from an upstairs window; those Pearls who fail to make the grade are sent down the slide never to be seen again. The garden is littered with backbones and other skeletal remains.
But all of them left with warm memories and a lifelong passion for the red-and-blue stripes and were not bitter or disappointed. There is no suggestion that an investigation like that of the Catholic Church is being considered.
All of the boys there quickly learn the ‘Barka philosophy’ of patient possession football – followed by quick interchanges and rapid movement in attack and hunting for lost possession in packs. Though not seen in games most players can catch a Frisbee in their mouth whilst running a full speed. It is essential therefore that all players must be athletic, toned, lithe, photogenic, handsome, beautiful and most definitely light on their feet.
Now it would appear that this much lauded system actually took some time to produce a first team player or two. From its inception in 1979 amongst the first pedigree litters of La Mafia, were in the mid to late 1980s. They were Barry Manolo, Angel Pederast, Jordi Venial, and Gloria Esteban, oh and Nayim de Bastard.
Things really started to take off when Crufts, who was appointed Barka coach in 1988, built his ‘Dream Team’ around La Mafia products Pepsi and Shirley Gladiola, Glen Milla, Sergio Banjo and Ivan de la Penis.
Recent ‘graduates’ include Potholes, Chavi, Spot, Incest and Messy – all of them fundamental elements in Gladiola’s current all-conquering side – as well as players who have found success outside Barka such as Josie Rhiana and Michele Urethra. The latter despite press rumours to the contrary fled the kennel to avoid the indignity of Barka DNA insertion.
Whatever your reservations may be about the methodology the system clearly works. Barka players have won the Balloon Door and Golden Balls awards several years running, not to mention European and World Cups and ‘Best in Show, twice.
As head coach Gladioli said
“We’ve got a generation of football players that will find it difficult to reproduce.”
Is there a secret?
“Yes we have many secrets. But I don’t want to talk too much about that. We need youngsters and they need opportunities and everyone needs time, time to widen the circle of their friends, to experiment, to grow,” said a former Barcelona player. “We’re talking about minority values often misunderstood that are — quote, unquote — not negotiable.”
“We want to make them better players and better people by teaching them about respect, skin care, teamwork, humility, self grooming, obedience, alternative lifestyle choices, human sacrifice, applying yourself and commitment. “
La Mafia’s doors will close in 2012 and the courts willing the academy will be moving to a new, more modern residence with a greater capacity to perfect Barka’s Doggy Style.
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