Arsenal News » 2010 » January » 24

Today’s game is in the FA Cup, or Facup as it is known in the Latin tongue which still dominates the region where Stoke play.   As with all nouns in Latin the word “facup” can be conjugated and it is vital to be able to do this properly if wishing to discourse with the locals over a pint of whelks.

The full declension is…

Facupo, facupee, facupis, facupamus, facupartis, facunt

Here is the translation

• Facupo = The FA Cup is my name (nominative),
• Facupee = Oh FA Cup! (as in “Oh FA Cup how useful to find you there) (vocative),
• Facupis = Naughty FA Cup (accusative),
• Facupamus = My FA Cup (genitive),
• Facupartis =  Would you like to come upstairs and see my FA Cup? (dative)
• Facunt = FAcunt (ablative).

The FA Cup is run by a committee, and when one speaks of them it is absolutely vital to use the ablative, so that they know what you are saying.  Otherwise use the accusative after a drink, except for when greeting a member of the opposite sex were obviously the dative is required.

While speaking of Latin, the motto of the Stoke region is  Vis Unita Fortior which roughly mean “Strength United is a More Powerful Way to Kick you in the Head than Simply Pulling your Shirt off you Soft Southern Bastard”.

The FA Cup dates back to 1330 (just after lunch) when the Old Dragooners beat the 4th Royal Digital Electronics Database Regiment, 17-8 at Wandsworth Common in front of a crowd of seven codgers and a dormouse.

By quaint tradition (of which the Kingdom is correctly proud), the families of the codgers and the dormouse are all issued free tickets for Cup Finals even today, which is why there is no room for any regular supporters.

The story of the FA Cup is told in several books but as I didn’t write them I am not going to give them any publicity.  Instead you can read about my book by clicking here.

All about Stoke (a diminutive principality in the Kingdom of Mercia)

Stoke is a linear conurbation, 12 miles long and 3 inches wide, largely given over to spaghetti production.  If driving to the region it is important to approach in a very narrow car.

The origin of the name Stoke comes from the word “stoc” which means “place” in Old English, so if asking directions you need to say, “Where is the place?”  However since the second industry of the region involves catching plaice in the River Trent you could end up being slapped round the face by a haddock.

The first footballer in Mercia was Creoda who seized power in 584 AD, when  Stoke City were playing in the second division.

Twenty years on, by the time of King Penda (inventor of the ball point), the Mercians had developed the push from behind as a fundamental article of war, technology, technical drawing and football.  Indeed it was the push from behind that forced Princess Cwenburga (inventer of botulism in a bun) to marry Edwin, Port Vale’s most prolific goalscorer of the pre-Christian era.

King Penda (a tricky midfielder) scored a penalty in the FA Cup semi final of 653 for Nostradamus Nomads (who were then thrown out of the cup for knowing the result before the kick off and making a fortune out of running a gambling cartel).

Matt Hews is the most famous player ever to be produced by the region.  He lived 2500 years ago and poems and songs are still chanted and sung before all home games to commemorate the event.  The last stanza of the main song is still known as the Matt Hews Final.

The oddly named Aethelbald the Hairy divided the region into six separate principalities.  They are: Stoke (as noted, from the Latin, “Place”), Hanley (“Lesser Place”), Burslem (“Even Lesser Place”), Tunstall (“Extraordinary small place”), Longton (“A place so extraordinarily small that you can’t even find it”) and Fenton (“A place so tiny that no one believes it exists”).

The local population is 1,253, of whom 2,506 are permanently drunk (and thus have double vision).

When visiting Stoke

In order to reduce the number of visiting supporters who make it to the ground the club was renamed “Stoke” in the 19th century when they moved to Trentham where they “play” (I use the word is its loosest sense).   Their ground has recently been repossessed by the local building society, who have renamed it the Short Term Crazy Lending Stadium.

In keeping with the mis-naming of the entire region, the other team in the area Port Vale, are not on the coast (the normal place for ports) nor are they in a grassy depression.

Stoke v Arsenal

Ahead of this game every Arsenal player is injured and so Vik Akers is likely to play in midfield, while Pat Rice will appear at full back.  I received a call half an hour ago, and expect to play centre forward given that I am the same height as Arshavin.

Or…

the team may line up like this (with options in parenthesis)

Fabianski

Clichy, Silvestre, Campbell, Eastmond (Coquelin)

Wilshere, Fabregas, Denilson (Eastmond) (Rosicky) (Merida)

Vela, Eduardo, Walcott (Rosicky)

Others: JET (who according to the Arsenal programme still does not have a squad number), Mannone, Traore, Watt.

Billy the Dog’s Prediction: Arsenal win by 3.5 haddocks to an egg on chips.

(c) Sir Tony Attwood, recipient of the Order of the Guatemalan Hedgehog (Second Class) for which I thank all who voted for me.