Arsenal News » 2010 » January » 17
Billy the Dog was not quite in the best of moods or the finest of fettle when I met him on the allotment to discuss the game against the almighty Notlob in the Land of the Fabled Beast.
I started by asking the question everyone asks, “Is there life in Bolton?”
“It doesn’t really matter,” he replied with an airy wave for his hoe. “Bolton don’t play in Bolton, they play in Horwich.”
“But, pray, what do we know of Horwich?” I asked. Watching him jig up and down I suspected his new diet of orange juice and guacamole may be giving his conversation a new edge.
“It is just off the Chorley shore of the Liverpool and Manchester Sewage Farm, as all true fishermen know,” Billy announced, straightening up. “Chorley has a population of 19,000 and a football ground that holds 28,000.
“The name Horwich derives from the phrase har wice, meaning the place where the grey wych elm grows – and in honour of this Notlob Wanderers have placed just such a tree on their centre circle.
“The local team began playing there is 1293 as Horewic Knot-Lob, but they were chased out by the local hunt (are you sure the first letter of that word is right? – Editor) from Manchester.
“In the 17th century they felled the forest in order to build the new stadium and burned the local non-conformists en route – a tradition that continues to this day.
“The Civil War was a dark time for Notlob as the ground was sequestered because of the delinquency of the team manager Sir Sam-Slug Aller SlugDice, who was then voted fattest man in Horwich for 170 years running while parts of him were eaten each Christmas.
“In the late 18th century the area was abandoned, and it is now given over to warehousing and aardvarks.” (I think that should be carparks – editor).
“Away in the distance we may see (when the fog and trans-dimensional interface lift) the West Pennine Moors wherein lives the Black Beast of Bolton who roams the streets stealing chocolate, wasting police time and tripping up programme sellers.”
“So,” I said while plotting an escape route between the anchovy bushes, “the question arises, does a six mile move from Bolton to the Wasteland count as football franchising in the mode and style of MK Dons of whom we spoke recently?
“And if not, what about 12 miles (the distance between Plumstead and Highbury)? Or 58 miles (Wimbledon to Milton Keynes)?”
Such academic debate cuts no ice with Billy the Dog McGraw of course, and he turned to the tactics.
“Notlob will have seen what Everton did, pressurising, pushing, gnarling, ankle tapping, and time wasting. But the new manager won’t have had that much time to get sorted at the club, so instead of introducing new styles, they might just stay with the old Bolton tradition of pressurising, pushing, gnarling, ankle tapping, and time wasting.”
“Predictions?” I asked timidly.
“I predict they will score, and it will be left-footed goal.” Billy looked me straight in the eye, and I backed off treading rather unfortunately on one of the levitating lettuces for which Enfield is justly famous.
He ignored my faux pas, and went on to the team…
- Almunia,
- Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore,
- Cesc, Diaby, Nasri
- Arshavin, Eduardo, Rosicky (Vela?)
- Bench: Fabianski, Silvestre, Merida, Vela, Ramsey?,
“Why did you put a question mark after Ramsey?” I asked, dusting down the lettuce and letting it fly south for the winter.
“How did you know I put a question mark after Ramsey?” he asked menacingly. “Is someone writing this down?”
We looked at each other in silence before he relented.
“But you are right. Ramsey is a question mark. I thought he was Welsh, but he’s definitely a question mark. Anyway I think he might be injured.”
“And the goals?” I asked with temerity.
“One at each end,” and with that he was off.
So, without Billy’s insight, here’s our goalscorers including only those likely to be playing in the starting line up. The number after each name might mean anything but rumour has it it signifies the number of league goals scored.
- Fabregas 9
- Arshavin 6
- Diaby 5
- Vermaelen 4
- Eduardo 3
- Gallas 3
- Rosicky 2
- Nasri 1
So if we win 4-1 then logically the scorers will be Fabregas (2), Arshavin and Diaby. The Diaby goal will be the most interesting as it bounces off the tree in the centre circle.
What I also think is that Vela will get more of a game – and might just start. What I saw in the last couple of matches was a man suddenly making his breakthrough, gaining his confidence, knowing that he has a winning smile, eating more chips, and playing to a higher level. If so, I’d give him a goal in which he passes back to Rosicky who knocks it forward to Eduardo who does a double backward somersault side kick which Vela collects and taps over the line. Nine – one to the Arsenal.
Notlob…
Jasskelainen
Ricketss Cahill Knight Robinson
Lee Cohen Muamba Taylor
Klasnic Davies
Top man is Davies – their raconteur, raccoon tamer, wit and chauffeur. He’ll be sent off. Also notable is jockey, architect, hairdresser and jack of all trades Muamba who once played for us I think.
It is of course possible that the new manager will want to play expansive attacking football in the style of our Great Lord, but if so how will that go down with the natives? They could become restless, and if they do, I should take some care. Witchcraft and devil worship are still commonplace in the outer reaches of the Empire and curses regularly fly down from the Woodford Group stand, causing the weeds that grow rapaciously from within the concrete to rise up and strangle unsuspecting visitors.
The key point to note is (as the layout above shows) that Arsenal will play a balanced team across the whole pitch, while the Notlob side are totally over to the left, leaving us to roam free on the right.
As Frank Zappa once said, “watch out where the huskies go and don’t you eat that yellow snow.”
There is more insanity in “Making the Arsenal”. 100 years ago it was not possible to go crazy on a blog, as the internet was carefully licensed by the state and anyone who was not declared a fit and proper dandelion was exported to Norfolk. Hence the saying. But today you can read an extract of Making the Arsenal, and indeed read reviews, and even (if you have not had enough after 1200 words of mindless gibbering here) you can buy it. Go on, you know you want to. (Incidentally I have got this link wrong on a couple of posts and taken you to a page where there is no link to the extracts from the book – sorry – this is the right link).
Love and kisses
Sir Tony Attwood, prince of the enlightenment, overseer of the kingdoms, Companion to the Deceived Duchess of Plumstead, author, wit (are you sure there is not a t missing at the start of that last word – Editor), botanist, window cleaner, head of the East Midlands Typhoon Prediction Agency, glazier, fortune teller, explorer, nuclear physicist, disc jockey and horticulturalist.
If you have been, well, don’t.
But do vote for Untold Arsenal at http://soccerlens.com/awards/2009-soccerlens-awards/ They have added a “most demented writer award”
(Footnote from Jane: “Window-cleaner? I’ve never seen you clean the windows!”)