Arsenal News » 2009 » September » 16

As usual Phil has done an excellent, well-researched piece which tells us all we need to know (see last post if you haven’t read it – you really can’t watch the match without it).

Which naturally allows me a chance to do my usual jink around the fringes of reality and consider the delicate matter of 22 players, 3 turnips, John Terry’s mother and a blade of grass, and the leading issues from various alternative universes.

Last season we started our journey to the semis with a trip to the holiday resort of Kiev where ace scorer William Gallas gave us a goal in the 145th minute (or so it felt) to get a 1-1 victory.

We played with

• Almunia
• Sagna (Eboue), Toure, Gallas, Clichy
• Fabregas, Song, Denilson
• Walcott, Strange-meandering-bloke-who-strolled-around-a-bit, Van Persie

Ramsey, Djourou, Wilshere were the unused outfield subs.

As we know everyone and his rat-catcher is ill with swine flu, injured or learning Arabic, so no need to argue with Phil’s selection except over the Van Persie issue, wherein Phil wrote his piece before VP went down with the plague.

So, could it just possibly be that the Walcott character, famed for the bench-induced-injury (caused by man of the dodgy tax return and memory loss when asked his own address – see earlier post on corruption), might play leaving Diaby in midfield?

According to the Lord Wenger, no, but what does he know?  So the alternative is to put Diaby as one of the front triangle, and play Eboue or Ramsey in midfield depending on how you are feeling.

Of course there is no need for me to enter the world of caution (or come to that reality) and I am going for a 5-2 victory to the Arsenal, with one each for Gallas, Vermaelen (he speaks the language let us not forget), Eduardo (showing us now what he can really do after all that falling over stuff), Ramsey (maybe on as a sub) and Rosicky (ditto).

A further goal from late sub Wilshere is disallowed after the touch judge (or so he must have been given his decision making) flagged for an under inflated ball.  The ref, mishearing, sends off the non-present Theo for having an under inflated ego.  UEFA announce immediately that under-inflated egos are utterly not allowed and that doesn’t Theo know that Wine Rooney is the role model and exemplar of all good sporting ethics?

At a strangely already-prepared hearing in Edinburgh, Theo is tried in his absence (”can’t have players coming in, speaking in their own defence – it could alter the whole course of the kangeroo court system”) and given a 12 match ban.

Eboue, who actually never makes it on the pitch, then gets sent off for diving off the bench (his defence is that he fell over laughing), while Mannone gets a yellow for being too young to be a goalkeeper.

Royal Standard de Liège have four men sent off for not knowing the words of the national anthem, while the fourth official is inexplicably turned into a toad by a group of passing hieroglyphs.  Jack Wilshire then takes over as linesman and immediately heads a goal from the corner flag only to find that a FIFA commission sitting thirty minutes later rules that headed goals are illegal.

Finding themselves in the wrong universe the Arsenal team grab a passing hyper bus and return before the game has started, whereupon they settle down in the airport to watch the match on Sky Sports 19 with D Duck as commentator.

They are surprised to see themselves win 5-2  with one each for Gallas, Vermaelen (he speaks the language let us not forget), Eduardo (showing us now what he can really do after all that falling over stuff), Theo and Rosicky.  A further goal from late sub Wilshere was disallowed after the touch judge (or so he must have been given his decision making) flagged for an under inflated ball.  The ref, mishearing…

Ah, yes, well…  Just another episode of All Tomorrow’s Parties.  (Blame the Velvet Underground).

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(c) Tony Attwood, Universe number 5, wherein the year is 1789 and the mobs are preparing to take to the streets.  In football, Arsenal under 6’s have surrounded the England manager waving tax returns in his face while…