A far from comprehensive dictionary of modern football « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger; coach of the decade

A FAR FROM COMPREHENSIVE DICTIONARY OF MODERN FOOTBALL APHORISM, SYNONYMS, TERMS, PERSONALITIES, AND WHATNOTS FOR THE UNINITIATED.

Don McMahon

It all came to me in a flash like a blinding inspiration, but less reliably. Why not create a ¨dictionary¨ or compendium of terms,sayings and common words/names regularly used to describe Arsenal in particular and Football in general? So here goes my first trial balloon:

Arsenal: a professional Football Club that, depending on the observer, is either heading to relegation, having not won silverware for  X  years, plays ticky-tacky Barcalight Football or is the most attractive team in the EPL, and/or the most financially sound football club in the country.. It is generally denigrated by the media pundits and AAA’s and hugely admired outside of England’s fair shores.

AAA: (Almost Always Asses) a motley collection of very gloomy, whining, depressed pessimists who cherish two core principles; Arsenal are sheer excrement and that they know what is good for AFC more so than the professionals who are paid to run the Club. They inevitably confuse themselves with those people whose opinions AFC actually cares about.  [Editorial note: the term AAA was actually created by Untold Arsenal and actually has its own page on this site]

Anti-Wengerites: Mostly members of the AAA herd but with a specific chip on their collective shoulders (replacing their heads) against Arsene Wenger. Quite often xenophobic, chauvinistic and even racist when it comes to commenting about him. Their preferred approach to all things AFC being to cast blame, aspersions and negativism like confetti at a Greek wedding.

Arsene: the manager of Arsenal and considered by most intelligent fans to be among the pantheon of legendary managers worldwide or, as the case may be made by AAA’s, the root cause of all that is wrong with the universe.

Almunia: also known as the Spanish waiter, was Arsenal’s principal keeper until it was discovered that he suffered from severe fyslexia and fsycalculia, the equivalent of dyslexia and dyscalculia which Redknapp proudly displays.  In Footballing terms, it meant that he couldn’t read the game and always miscalculated his options when coming out for the ball.

BS: defined as totally fallacious, unproven and misinformed excrement that is spewed out by bird-brained denizens of the media and almost anyone else who gave up critical thought when they stopped wearing diapers. It is mostly constituted  of regurgitated crap rumours and speculation fed to these sad creatures by profiteering net trolls and misguided AAA fanatics.

BAD BOYS: Players who are often seen in groups beating up innocent bystanders or their girlfriends and named by unreliable media sources as being ¨high-spirited¨. While often  in conflict with their clubs or behaving as loose cannons, they are lauded as having British spine or criticised as cheating,diving Continentals as the case may be. If you look in a real dictionary, you will find a photo of Joey Barton, Nasri and Suarez beside this terminology.

C**ts: a rather salacious term referring to former Arsenal players or opponents who have displayed a total lack of propriety,respect or class and who may have also sold their souls for a few silver coins. See BadBoys for more clarification.

Coaches: A title awarded to former players at AFC or other Clubs, in recognition of the fact that they won’t be rivalling or replacing Arsene Wenger or any other first class manager anytime soon. In this respect Redknapp was an assistant coach.

Conspiracies: The persistent theoretical belief, often unproven but still possible, that someone or something is out to ¨get¨ Arsenal. The PGMOL, the FA, EUFA and the EPL are implicated in these theories with some justification but barring any proof to the contrary, I think they are listening in on my phone or is that Rupert Murdoch?

Deadline: a specific time or period when someone at AFC is supposed to perform an astonishing miracle superseding the loaves & fishes, based on the collective fantasy of fickle fanboys and latte sipping absentees to see desired results. Often used in conjunction with transfer periods or the run-in. The best known deadline at Arsenal is, you guessed it, ¨if we don’t win silverware soon I’m not renewing my  season tickets¨…

Deadwood: Closely related, in a metaphysical fashion, to the deadline as in the great Arsenal Galleon is full of deadwood (players who are shite) who are rotten to the core, consuming scarce resources, unfit to wear the AFC shirt and long overdue for a complete spring/fall/winter/summer clearout. The candidates regularly change each 6 months but the ultimate fraternity remains the same. Coincidentally, some become folk heroes like Eboue (see below) or are so bad that they become poster boys for ineptitude (Almunia?)

Dilitantes: Players and,in some cases managers who are high maintenance, full of themselves (and other noxious substances) and regularly flatter to deceive. Names such as Denilson, Bendtner, Arshavin and Redknapp are bandied about to illustrate this species. They have become the objects of players’ agents feeding frenzy.

EPL: a league composed of a few very wealthy profligates, a few financially responsible Models of good management, and many fiscally challenged, albeit sincerely mediocre clubs. Each one is either, scrapping to win the title, to stay in the top 4, to obtain at the very least a Europa League berth, to hold firm to mid-table anonymity or avoid relegation each season. Examples of each,from former to latter are: Manchester city, Arsenal, then Liverpool, Spuds, Spuds again, Liverpool and Blackburn

EUFA: (Europe’s Unquestioned Flatulent Asses) is a ubiquitous disorganisation whose sole raison d’etre is to ruin the Beautiful Game while harassing and fining Arsene Wenger or BadBoys such as Nicholas Bendtner and ensuring that racism remains a mainstay of the aforementioned Game, all done at a huge monetary profit to themselves. They also energetically promote a pretence that they care about limiting big money’s influence in the Game but in actual fact prefer to ¨redirect it¨.

Eboue: the archetypical phoenix whose career was resurrected by Wenger after he was booed off the field by our wonderfully empathetic fans following a less than sterling performance. He now plays his trade in Turkey where he is regularly racially abused, pelted with used batteries and sundry objects and has once again become a legend to all misfits and underachievers.

Fairplay: a notoriously amusing and apparently antiquated concept dating originally from Britain’s Imperial days, that posits the possibility of actually respecting the Rules, defeating racism in the Game, respecting officials and opponents and managing Clubs in a fiscally responsible manner. See EUFA for a more lucid understanding of what is actually happening.

Football: Originally known as Association Football but transmuted into Soccer in the North American colonies (or former ones) which is a gentleman’s sport that commoners play, while the ¨other¨ football – rugby is a commoner’s sport that gentlemen have played, not to be confused with cricket which is an English sport dating from the 16th century. for which most modern supporters are still awaiting a conclusion.

Fans: Also known as supporters, fanboys,fanatics, fickle fans and similar descriptors are actually marginally normal people of  all ages, both genders, religions and sexual preferences whose tribal instincts, having been left unsatisfied after 10,000 years of countless wars and slaughter (see Germany for further references) have chosen to instutionalize this madness and mayhem on a 100 x 80 metre surface where they can vicariously dominate the world, if only for 90 + minutes, at reasonably affordable prices and generally without excessive bloodshed. They are also well known for frequenting pubs or the national equivalent, eating treacherously tasteless ¨food¨ at the interval (excluding the French and AFC’s corporate boxes) and dressing in a manner usually reserved for asylum patients, buskers or Labour supporters.

In order to shorten this already laborious opus, I would ask that any esteemed reader(s) of this article feel free to contribute their definitions to my humble beginnings.  All I ask in return is that anyone proffering additional terminology refrain from taking themselves or me too seriously. I thank you in advance,for your understanding and compassion.