Untold Arsenal » Celtic/Arsenal: the score and match report before it happens

All tomorrow’s parties: the service that tells you the result before the game has kicked off.

You will be excused if you don’t know that Celtic are playing Arsenal tonight, as the BBC has ordered a virtual blackout of news on the game.

This follows the appalling embarrassment the Corporation faced after their “expert” Mark Lawrenson predicted an Everton win on saturday while this site predicted Everton 1 Arsenal 7

On Tuesday morning Radio 5’s only mention of the event was to note that it was on at the same time as a rock and roll concert at Ibrox, a ground which fell down sometime around 1900 because the wrong sort of pine was used. The BBC teletext service also has no mention of the game (although they do have the teams for all the lower league games being played).

But the news is Theo (who injured his back while sitting on the bench for England) is still out along of course with Djourou, Rosicky and Nasri. Cesc, Sagna and Denilson all have fitness tests on injuries, along with Diaby.

For this match last year we played FC Thirty managed by Mr Umbrella and the team was

Almunia Sagna, Djourou, Gallas, Clichy Walcott, Denilson, Ramsey, Eboue

Adebayor, Van Persie

This year we can add in Vermaelen, Vela, Eduardo, Wilshire, Song, Bendtner, and Silvestre plus the semi-injured group of Fabregas, and Diaby.

Who did I miss? Oh yes, Arshavin. So small I didn’t notice him.

So three out for sure (Ade, Theo, Djourou) and Song, Arshavin, Vermaelen in for sure, plus either Bendtner or Eduardo. Not bad. Average height 27 pints in old money. Weight: yes. Jumping: 4.

And now the score. The “All Tomorrow’s Party” group traveled to Celtic Park yesterday (it is in Glasgow) armed with our Collins “Scots Dictionary”, to scout out the options for this game of fitba (also known as fittie).

We approached the ground with the story that we were health and safety visitors from “down south” here to check that the ground was safer than Ibrox (having heard of its problems) but the bouncers “huckled” us out. We said they didn’t scare us, and (using the dictionary) announced that we thought the lads were a bit peely-wally, which the locals didn’t understand (must be my accent).

Facing each other I then had the insight to say that their ground was “pure dead brilliant” and on the basis of that use of the local patois we got into the ground. When challenged later we used the expedient of talking in rhyming slang and were immediately perceived to be from Arsenal.

So we did our work – installing invisible baffle boards around the perimeter of the pitch. These will keep the noise of the crowd down from the point of view of the players, and will be our secret weapon.

We then moved across the city to have a chat with U2 (a popular singing combo) and were told by natives of the Ibroxical Zone (as that part of the city is called) that the entire Celtic team kicks with the left foot. A quick message to the Arsenal training camp ensured that we shall be attacking on the right and will quickly go four up, before the opposition realise what is going on.

We were also informed that the nickname of Celtic is the Whoops, but I think that is bluster. Some Celtic supporters told us that the captain of Rangers is Attila, but I didn’t believe that either.

Still we expect the Celtic players to spend a lot of time looking around in a bemused manner, (what with the lack of noise and the left foot thing) and it is during such intervals that Arsenal will score. Towards the end we expect the barriers to be broken, the noise to seep through, and the Celtic team to respond with a goal.

The weather: plump

Result: Celtic 1 Arsenal 4 Scorers: Wilshire (6)

Man of the match: Gordon Strachan

Crossword answers 1 up: Catholic 1 down:very wet 1 sideways: pale, unhealthy looking

Appendix: Shetland celebration held every January.

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(c) Tony Attwood 2009