Untold Arsenal » The malaise has left Arsenal and hit Milan

Arsenal was once the capital of whining, whinging, moaning, and general complaining of an “its a total disaster” type.

Supposed fans would moan about Wenger, his lack of signings, his tactics, the silence of the ground, the lack of passion on the pitch, not winning anything for 2,102,453 seconds, the slowness of Dixon, the misses of Bendtner, Arshavin’s lack of height, Eboue’s Eboueness, the cost of beer, the extra distance to the ground now you have to turn right out of Arsenal station instead of left, and those bloody steps over the railway line.

This would be backed up by stories of Robin leaving, Ade leaving, the groundsman leaving, the guy who switches on the fat fryer for the fish and chips leaving, and the fact that Sammy Nelson isn’t that good any more.

But now…

All the anti-Arsenal commentary has gone! Vanished! Stolen!

Stolen by those evil conniving semi-beings who support other clubs. Look at these examples:

WC Milan: Not satisfied with taking Flamini and Senderos last season and having signed an American on a free from Standard Liège as their main step forward this year, the fans have taken to disrupting the training sessions of the club. In fact you might expect that the Ultras would be delighted to have flogged Ancelotti to Chelsea (having taken them to 5th the season before last and had the ignominy of playing in the squiddly cup and getting knocked out.

But no! They show their grief, their anger, and their frustration. Mind you having lost the Great Maldini (he was wonderful you must admit) and Kaka, Milan have become the footballing equivalent of Mark Knopfler after he left Dire Straits. One great song and a load of dross in which Deptford boy tries to be Irish.

But WC Milan are not getting the moaning crown all to themselves. Because there is also…

Manchester Arab: Moaning is normal in Manchester, but even they have upped the volume as they have been made to look a laughing stock by offering to buy everyone (including John Terry in the mistaken belief that he is a box of chocolates) and getting only the middle rankers. Where’s Kaka and the rest? Oh, they didn’t want to come. Why not? What’s wrong with Manchester (don’t answer that!)

Real Mad: they have just refused to pay £35m for Alonso on the grounds that they have run out of cotton and nylon to make any more shirts. Major complaining has started.

Liverpool Insolvency have now just about moved into insolvency, and the SOS group are getting very edgy. That letter from Nat West didn’t go down very well either. Of course it is hard to tell when a Liverpool person is moaning because that is what they do, but those in the know say that moaning has reached 8.7 on the Moaning scale and that is dangerous.

Newcastle Zebras players are revolting (well we knew that) and so are the fans (ditto). (Actually I can’t carry on this bit, because I don’t know what sound a zebra makes. Does it make a noise like a horse? Anyone know?)

Benitez joined the serial arrestees Birmingham City only it was the wrong Benitez – so major complaints there. They are also trying to sign our Patrick, but he has objected to lying down on the ground as if injured as a central tactic when defending. The talk is that they are going to go straight down again. Moan, moan, moan. Why can’t we be like Bolton, says the locals. Well, yes.

The goalkeeper of Sheffield United has been caught eating cough mixture and the fans there are complaining that they can’t find any shops that sell stuff that good.

Two Middlesbrough players failed to turn up for pre-season training on the grounds that they told their taxi drivers to “take us to the coast” and they ended up in Frinton. The fans complain that the rest of the squad did turn up.

Manchester IOU having signed Michelle Owen on a free has signed Michael Jackson on the grounds that, well he was also available on a free. Everyone moans – so no change there.

KGB in Fulham – 43 managers in the past 20 minutes. However the Party Officials have made it known that complaining is not an acceptable form of behaviour and everyone who indulges in it will be sent to the labour camps run by that guy who cuts the grass after each game.

Indeed the situation is now so bad that the Fiver column in the Guardianian has been running a STOP FOOTBALL campaign, and they invited all those intellectual what-nots who read it, to write in to explain why football should be stopped. I repeat here just one such answer

“STOP FOOTBALL so that Phil Brown’s career ends abruptly and he is faced with two career options for which he looks the part: gynaecologist or circus ringmaster” – Jonathan Armstrong.

Right on mate. The light at the end of the tunnel is the Express Train traveling in the opposite direction.

(Knopfler’s one great post-Dire song was “This is us”, but you knew that anyway, didn’t you.)

(c) Tony Attwood 2009

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