UNTOLD ARSENAL » Arsenal stories

As you’ll know if you read the wonderful honest excellently truthful British sporting pages, every year every single player from Arsenal is about to leave and play somewhere else.

In fact, what actually happens is that the Lord Wenger manipulates the market in order to move on players that he thinks have come to the end of their usefulness, and replaces them with younger players who play twice as well for half the price.

Anyway I thought I would save a lot of anguish this summer by announcing these moves long before the press, so that when the boys from the Mail and the Excess do run their regular pieces, I could drop them a line and say, “oh this is old news – Untold Arsenal ran that back in March”

Except, lo and behold, as Ian pointed out here the other day, the press has got in early and started to run Clichy to Milan stories in March.  That’s over 3 months before the transfer swing doorway swings open and turns round to hit you in the face!

So, time to get a move on, and here it is – this year’s departure board.  Needless to say, all of it is made up, and thus fits in perfectly with what the papers will say.  And if you have ever read these pages before you’ll know I love these players, and that none of the comments reflect anything I believe.  It’s a joke.  OK?  Right!

Almunia – to Spain.  “I need to play for a Spanish club to get into the Spanish national team”

Diaby – to WC Milan  “Milan have promised me regular first team football, and Flamini has said it is a wonderful stadium, and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for France.”

Sagna – to Inter – he’s a proven full back and is demanding double his salary.  “They made me an interesting offer, and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for France.”

Fabregas – the Real Mad, as per last year, the year before, the year before.  “I would love to play in Spain again”.

Toure – to Manchester Arab.  “Where’s Manchester?”

Rocisky – back to fitness and off to WC Milan  “I need to get regular first team football”

Nasri – to Barca, of course, he’s the second ZZ, and Real Mad had the last one.  “It is a great honour to be compared by ZZ but I am my own man, and play in my own style, and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for France.”

Eduardo – to some German team I’ve never heard of.  “It’s closer to home, and and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for whichever country it is that I play for even though I wasn’t born there but that doesn’t seem to matter under FIFA rules.”

Gallas – to Portsmouth.    “Portsmouth are a club going places.”

Van Persie – to Barca “I would love to play with Henry again and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for Holland (again).”

Vela – to Spain – “I feel more at home in a Spanish speaking land.  What is the French for ‘chip the keeper?’   and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for Mexico.

Walcott – to Inter – “all players should have the chance to play in other countries and I have not had that yet – except with England, and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got in a training session with England.”

Denilson – Real Mad.  “I will always be grateful to Mr Wenger, but now it is time to do this on a bigger stage”

Ramsey – to West Iceland.  “I feel the need to play every week at my age, and the talk of their financial collapse is overblown.”

Song – to WC Milan Reserves.  “I have a lot I can learn from Flamini”

Silvestre – to Portsmouth – “a natural next step for my career”

Wilshere – to Barca.  “              ”   [Sorry, but I have never heard him speak in public]

Djourou – to Bayern Munich.  “It is such an honour to be linked with such a club and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for Switzerland.”

Clichy – to WC Milan as already announced.  “It is….” [you know the rest]

Arshavin – the KGB Athletico Fulham.  “I miss speaking in my native tongue and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for the KGB Fulham manager in the motherland.”

Adbayor – to Portsmouth.  “I could fit in well with Peter Crouch and I look forward to playing as soon as I have recovered from the injury I got playing for Togo without ever coming back and playing again for Arsenal”.

Bendtner – to Athletico Madrid.  “London was too big a city for me”.

Eboue – to Bayern Munich.  “London was too cold a city for me”

So there you have it.  All the news from the coloumns of our newspapers for the next 3 months.   Now you don’t have to worry, get frustrated, get worked up, get angry, or get anything except a ticket for next season’s opening match.

And you heard it all here first.

Coming soon – the first EPL club to go into liquidation, and the start of the revelations about match fixing – both highlighted here earlier this month.   You really did see it here first.  My god I am so good at this predicting lark I ought to charge for it.  Today will be light and tonight will be dark.  That’s another bit of futurism.  Right, no more unless you give me all your money and I get a transfer to Tierra Del Fuego Reserves.   With M Flamini.

(c) The man from another planet.   Tomorrow.