The 49 Football Awards You Would Most Like to See (but probably won’t) « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News, supporting the club, the players and the manager

By Tony Attwood

This was the fourth and final category in our Awards section and it is the one I love the most.  I laughed and laughed as I saw them coming in, and did so again as I compiled the list of Awards.

Here are some of them.  I have changed a few just slightly, to make the context clearer.

I will shortly select one for us to focus on and if it raises an amusing discussion, we’ll do another, until everyone gets bored stupid.  But for the moment, I would like to share the list with you, and just hope it gives you as much pleasure as it gave me.

1. Award for the most pessimistic person writing about Arsenal.
2. Award for the Player who has reached out and connected with the fans more than any other this season and which particular moment stands out  (several nominations were given including RvP when he picked up Theo at Wigan and carried him across to the fans to applaud for his assist, Chesney when he ran and picked up the ball boy and gave him a huge hug, RvP at the beginning of the season when he single handedly stood his ground against almost the entire Bolton team, Song when he deliberately stamped on Bartons leg. Silly, rash, unnecessary and probably cost us. But bless him, personally I would have stamped on Barton’s head.)
3. Best player of the season(Bar RVP)? (This is very similar to “most improved player”).  Koscielny was mentioned each time this award came up.    Rosciky, Vermaelen or Sagna
4. Best blog post of the year.
5. Most slip-ups outside the penalty area eventually leading to the opposition scoring award
6. Disinformer of the Year: Worst jorno/presenter/commentator when it comes to Arsenal/AFC: (examples – Stenographer of the Year, Lens Crafter of the Year, Best Media Servant to Rednose XX, Perfumer of the Year, Diverter of the Year…)
7. Best match for Arsenal Away supporters.
8. Best Arsenal Home crowd [Must be v Milan, although Tottenham was rather jolly too]
9. Best away pub
10. Arsene Wenger’s top five signings.
11. Best/wierdest haircut?  The hairdo award should probably go to Meireles. Someone really got Medieval on his ass!
12. The Best Conspiracy Theory of the Year and my nomination for this is: Rednose XX (Whoever named it…take a bow)
13. The roasted pessimistic chicken on a ball Award given to the AAA or Wenger-Out Neanderthal who claims to be a loyal Gooner but most typifies a Spuds wannabe at the end of the season.
14. The Untold Story of the Year
15. The “Untold Integrity Award” for the Ref who gives most correct penalty calls, right or wrong in matches involving Man Utd.
16. Creepiest poster on UA- my nomination is for the one with the monocled avatar !
17. Player most loyal to fans drinking hole.
18. The biggest idiot among all the ‘elite pundits’ on sky.
19. Players we want to leave most. [This is too, too cruel – Tony]
20. Most laughable transfer news award [My all time favourite is Crouch to Arsenal, a couple of years ago]
21. Player with Best Attitude and Performance ON and OFF the pitch. The leading contenders would be Captain Vantastic and Szczesny. Both know how to respect other players and fans, and their performances don’t need questioning
22. The best Arsenal blog (behind Untold) and the worst Arsenal blog [hint – it is the one where, if they don’t like your opinion they still post your comment, but change it to make you like silly]
23. The worst dive of the season (nomination that came in most was for Andy Carroll against former club Newcastle, through on goal and still decides to dive when nobody within a yard of him.
24. The worst media coverage of an EPL game (MOTD omitted scenes, press tweaking reality to fit story, “Wenger had nothing to do with the resurgence against Villa in FA Cup” or anything like that).   MOTD won it each time it was nominated, although ITV did once again manage to miss part of a match and switch to another programme during a game recently.
25. Most Fatherly Manager
26. Most celebrated goal by the referee (Mike shit Dean)
27. Worst Program:- Sky news/anything with Gary (rat) Neville&Jamie Redknap/Super Sunday (zooming in on Sir Fungus face after each goal).
28. Worst Ref => Probert
29. Best story of the season (the great turnaround)
30. Best goal of the year  (Van Persie against Liverpool; Technically even more difficult than the one against Everton, and also the timing. Finally we beat Liverpool against the run of play, like they grabbed all their points against us in de last couple of years.   Arteta against City. I guess City will try to buy him next year.   Thierry Henry against Leeds; brought tears in my eyes.  Thierry Henry against Sunderland; The Kings final gift.   Arteta screamer, free kick against Aston Villa
31. The assist of the year:  Song on Van Persie against Everton, Song on Van Persie against Liverpool, Van Persie on The Ox against Blackburn
32. Turning point of the season:   Sagna against the tiny totts… the look on his face while running back with the ball under his arm after he scored. Scared the shit out of me.
33. The most controversial match of the season (I bet man utd will be at the centre of it)
34. Ref awards (1.best ref (also nominated as most competent ref), 2.worst ref, 3.best refereed game- 4.worst refereed game 5.most blind ref- i nominate Halsey, 6. Best foul inventor- Probert without a doubt, 7 Most Webbalties(i.e Penalties that are not)- of course the namesake, 8. Great turnaround by a ref i.e was shit but now decent-though i still don’t trust him one bit but Phil Dowd deserves it)
35. The worst media source:- Talksport, The Guardian, The Scum
36. Biggest prick on TV:- Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson
37. Award for the person who has done most to derail the Spuds recently – Capello? Sagna? Walcott? Redknapp?
38. Biggest twat to appear in the sky sports news room:- Tony Gale
39. The biggest bunch of bollox:- http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/11032012/58/premier-league-paper-round-rvp-agrees-210k-city-deal.html
40. A week in the stocks for the most gratuitously abusive fan(s)
41. Biggest editorial climbdown by any Journalist/Newspaper/Blog.  Largest humble pie eaters of the season ; The spuds, ollie holt of the mirror, our own very fickle fans the “A.A.A.s”.
42. Best comeback from injury. lots of nominees for that one. vermaelen or sagna for that one
43. “Worst and best haircut”. My vote for worst haircut is Barton (at least goes with his personality) and best haircut – one and only Song.
44. Best footballing dog of the year.  [Rosie].
45. Biggest Forehead of the Year
46.  Largest humble pie eaters of the season ; The spuds, ollie holt of the mirror, our own very fickle fans the “A.A.A.s”.
47.  Biggest traitor of the season: NASRI
48. The “omniscient” referee award. Or, maybe a one-off special commemorative trophy for the “Best Spurs Team Ever to lose to Arsenal.
49. Most spectacular drop from grace (Tots)

You can make up more or pick your favourite or nominate some examples or just hang around for a while until the next article goes up.

Thanks to everyone for that list.  I loved it.