Groundhog Season: where did it all go wrong? « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News, supporting the club, the players and the manager
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Groundhog Season
By Sammy The Snake
Writing something positive about Arsenal is a real challenge these days. As some of you may have noticed, and most of you haven’t, I’ve been quiet for some time. As the saying goes, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. I’ve been awfully quiet recently!
We all feel the pain of the past few weeks, it’s been hurting in all the wrong places. We all are looking for solutions. We are desperate for a way to feel better, more optimistic, or perhaps a bit more alive.
This is turning out to be yet another groundhog season. We start by expecting nothing. The pundits and the media tell us in early August that Arsenal will not be competitive this season, and that we’ll be lucky to qualify for Europa League. By October, it’s decided that ManC and Sp@rs will definitely overtake us, and that Liverpool is certain to pip us to 4th place.
We are suddenly upgraded to Championship material by Christmas… And we are declared fit to lift all trophies by the end of the season. Unfortunately, even Wenger gets carried away and starts talking about the quadruple. The fans start flapping their wings.
When every Gunners’ ego is boosted to perfection, the media start using words like “bottlers” for the Arsenal. With that in mind, our season starts to deteriorate sometime in early March, and we are reaffirmed as failures by around April Fool’s Day!
Groundhog Day, I tell ya! Every freakin’ season. The fans are left feeling inadequate.
It’s at this time of the season that suggested solutions are aplenty. Sack Wenger. Get rid of the failing players, all 52 of them! Buy, buy experienced players, just buy. Sell Cesc and buy 22 new experienced players with the proceeds. Shoot the ground staff. Kill the ball boys… After you hang the board!
Is Wenger to blame? Are the players at fault? Is the board going overboard? Gazidis gone Ga-Ga? Are the fans impatient, over-expectant and delusional? Is the media over hyping it? The pundits having it in for us? Blind refs changing the natural course of the season? Luck?! Bad Luck?!! Surely, everyone must share the blame.
Arsene, the players, all back room staff, the management, the board and the owners are all responsible. Let’s just sack them all. Hey, wait! We can’t get rid of the owners because they own the club. Sacking all players and getting 25 shiny new ones will destabilize the team. The back room staff can’t take all the blame. And Ivan Gazidis just got the job. Hmmmm? What do we do to save Arsenal?
Let’s just sack Wenger, and get it over with. That’s the easiest thing in the world. Sack him, I say. And then…
Let’s imagine Arsenal swallow their pride and buy a one-way ticket for the professor back to Paris at the end of the season. What’s our best option after Wenger? Finding a brand new experienced head coach shouldn’t be that hard. Right? Just ask Dark Prick for advice.
As my first idea for a Wenger replacement, I would like to nominate Mr. Ego himself, the special guy, Mr. Mourinho. Oh, wait! He just lost last night and his glorious Real Mad is 8 points behind the leaders. And would you like his ego to land at the Arsenal grounds? I thought not.
My second choice would be the all-conquering Pep Guardiola. Would he leave his galaxy of stars? I don’t think so. Is he seriously thinking of leaving Barca? He’d be stupid if he did, but that is probably a great bargaining tool. Could he have ever been so successful without his ensemble of players? I highly doubt it. Would he ever come over to the Emirates? Unlikely. Can we bet on getting him? Definitely not!
Let’s get Rafa Benitez or Roy Hodgson. Let’s just take a shot and see what happens since Liverpool had such a great experience with both of them. We’ll first hire Rafa, when he drives the club to the edge of extinction, we’ll replace him with Roy Boy to complete the job. No way!
How about Steve McLaren? We’ll even throw in an umbrella, in case we keep losing under the rain!
I propose giving Mark Hughes a shot. But he got kicked out of ManCity, and got replaced with Mr. Mancini! Let’s get him, our scarf sales will go through the roof, and we’ll barely manage 5th place (which is better than 2nd place after all). He’s great at spending money too, what a great match! No, no, no!
Oh, I got the best candidate! Ranieri is the man for the job, especially if we plan to kick him out mid-season in his first year in charge. That’ll be so much fun!
If we want to really progress in football, Arsenal must place Mick McCarthy in charge. He’ll surely give us the steel required to win major trophies. He’ll toughen up the players. Can’t you see how Wolves are shoveling all trophies back home?
If we want to have a jolly good time and laugh out loud, I suggest the highly rated comedian Mr. Ian Holloway. We can then win some of our home games, and lose all the away ones. Won’t that be splendid fun?!
How about dirty ‘Arry?! The scum bag can bring us momentary near-success followed by financial ruin. He could groom Arsenal for tax evasion, wheeling, dealing, and buying players above market price. Only if he wasn’t such short sighted Sp@rs dick!
How about Leonardo? He first drove Milan down the table, then showed his loyalty by moving to Inter, where he has managed to make them look less than ordinary (same team that was so great less than a year back). His tactical naivety will bring us lots of great memories! I don’t think so.
Success is rarely accidental, and it’s never instant.
My fellow Gooners, be careful what you wish for, it may come true!
Sammy The Snake
The failures of Herbert Chapman. Was the great man really that great? Or just another Wenger. Time to find out.