Lady Nina speaks on Manchester United, Aston City, and life in bed. An Untold Exclusive « Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger; coach of the decade

By Lady Nina Bracewell Sunlounger

My old quaffing partner David Gill, the Manchester big chief pow wow has had a bash at the Football Association, accusing them of victimising his club with punishments that would not be given to rivals.

Now I know the so-called FA and quite honestly few of them are to be trusted within reach of a trowel and a pile of bricks.

David however is an old pal of mine and long term supporter of my campaign to make the House of Lords a drug free zone by 2015, so I respect his views deeply.

Rather like my dog “McGraw” (a charming fellow but with a bit of a taste for the alcohol of a lunchtime) the Gill fella is an FA board member and has been part of my campaign to have the FA Board replaced by a wooden signpost with the words “Do not throw stones at this notice”, for many years.   (MrGraw ran the “Barking football” campaign with much success two years ago, as part of the FA bid to get the world cup in England.  It was a significant part of our triumph.)

He (Gill, not my dog) spoke of Wayne Rooney’s two-game suspension for swearing into a television camera after scoring at West Ham in April.  (When I say “scoring” in this context I exclude the presence of larger than life older prostitutes of course).  He also mentioned the  five-game ban imposed on Sir Axel for his attack on Martin Atkinson.

Now I remember that game because I was there with my man Biskit.  We were talking about the relative merits of different sexual positions, I seem to recall, when the incident took place.  It was clear to me as it was to most of the 98,000 people who were there to enjoy the sandwiches and cocktails that Atkinson had been bribed to throw the match in Man U’s favour, but had taken exception to Sir Axel’s commentaries from the “touchline” and so had taken his revenge.

Of course many ordinary folk (like Gill and Sir Axel, and indeed my man Biskit  – and the dog McGraw come to that) who are not members of the Upper House and have to eat their meals on the streets do argue that things are amiss.  I remember that awfully jolly fellow, Graham Bean, (brother of that fellow on TV – “Mr”) once accused the FA of acting “like a communist state”.

Well!

I’ve been to these so-called Communist States with my man Biskit (I recall we were debating the relative merits of electrocution against hanging as a way of reducing poverty around the Palace of Westminster at the time) and I can tell you they are not like that at all.

Take my old pal and quaffing partner Carson Yeung who single handedly threw out those dreadful pornographers from Birmingham’s delightful little club Aston City.   Biskit and I were only discussing pornography the other day and how that funny little Tottenham club is trying again to get the porno men out of the Olympic stadium.  Biskit kindly provided me with some of the materials and I must say it was quite an education.

However back to the main point.  These jolly little chappies in foreign places are communists and I can tell you there is nothing wrong with that.  They like their football.

They know that the man who can go into a patch of rough earth, fighting his way forwards to the goal, with the knowledge that only the Leader of the Party is watching him, and play his ball towards that goal without attempting any of this diving nonsense, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.  And the owner of Aston City is one of those.

To accuse Carson of money-laundering in Hong Kong.  Really!  Mr Yeoung owns 23% of Aston City.  Do you think it is likely that such a man would be caught “dealing with property known or believed to represent proceeds of an indictable offence”.

Now on this matter I have to say that Biskit and I have an interest, because we have been approached.  It seems that my campaign to remove the retail of alcohol from the playgrounds of Scotland’s Primary School by 2017 has not gone unnoticed.   For I can reveal that I have been asked to take over the sinking ship at St Andrew’s.   I telephoned my old pal and quaffing partner Sir Hardly Anyone who runs the Football League these days and he has confirmed I am in the running.  We are meeting at a secluded Soho hotel tonight to discuss matters further.  No press allowed!

You will recall that the delicious Mr Yeung took over at St Andy’s in 2009, when he gave the pornographers £81m.  Now I know that is not much to you and me, but for some people who live in the provinces that can be quite a lot of the old dosh.   Well those filthy little auditor people have said there is not enough money in the old firm to keep it going.  Tosh!  I happen to know Yeung immediately mortgaged his private kingdom of Greece to raise cash to keep the club up and running, and has a printing press in Ecuador churning out fake dollars and you can’t say fairer than that.

Of course I know that evil beast McLeish jumped ship, but what do you expect?  Biskit tells me the man was useless in bed, but we should keep  that to ourselves perhaps.  Certainly the last time I saw McLeish he was white and shaken, like a dry martini, and that gives you the measure of the man.

But back to Sir Axel.  He described Howard Webb as “the best referee in the country”, and you can’t say fairer than that when you have just given a man the free use of your private country estate  (Portugal as I seem to recall it is called).    But Sir Axel is made of stern stuff.  He pulled what the bookies call “a fast one”.  He didn’t acknowledge the letter from the silly little drug dealers in the FA and so they couldn’t do anything!  Clever eh?

There will be more from Lady Nina in the near future if not earlier.

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