Untold Arsenal: Arsenal News. Supporting the Lord Wenger in all he does » Arsenal will send an exorcist and witchdoctor to Wembley.
By Billy “the Dog” McGraw. Our man in a spot.
Arsenal are sending a witchdoctor and exorcist to Wembley to help the three players picked for Wednesday’s game. It appears that Arsenal are worried both about the influence over young players of such malign forces as A Cole and Fabuloso Cappuccino and so will be taking preventative measures.
“We shall use the horse’s foot and the ostrich leg, mixed with some herbs,” said Arsene Wenger. “Put that in the pre-match bottle of scotch that A Cole likes to drink and I think our young players will be protected.”
Arsenal will also also be using a little muti which the boss picked up while working for French TV at the world cup.
Muti however is dangerous as it is used as an aphrodisiac. Give it to A Cole and he is likely to move after anything that moves. “Of course we don’t want A Cole to catch anyone, that would be too unpleasant, but a bit of chasing will distract him from anything nasty he might come up with,” said a spokesman.
Many teams around the world now employ their own sangoma—a traditional healer with powers of divination and Arsenal expect this move will help reduce their three year old injury crisis. Arsenal’s sangoma will smear muti on the walls of the dressing rooms and bury animal parts in the soccer field.
“This is no problem at Wembley,” said a person, “as the pitch is so bumpy no one will notice the odd pig in a trench.”
However there can be problems. In 2002, Cameroon’s assistant coach was arrested after being accused of using black magic ahead of an important game against Mali. In neighboring Swaziland a new artificial turf field was damaged when chicken feathers were buried in the center of it before a league match.
In Italy muti is used by managers like Mr Cappuccino as a way of winning games. “How else do you think I do it?” asked the coffee maker. “You think I know about football?”
Actually no, but he can dream.
Irvin Khoza who was chairman of the World Cup organizing committee took muti to Ivory Coast in 1995 to help his team become African champions. The FA were impressed and a bunch of old bods with their bits of stuff on the side have been looking into the matter ever since.
“It’s a goer,” said Sir Hardly Anyone, when I asked him last week. “We shall use every methodological methodology for to help the lads begorrah, and if that includes giving them a football to practice with so be it. We are an experimental nation, and you will never find us sticking ourselves in mud. Never!
“The recent sacrifice of an ox at Very Old Trafford was a blessing for our great Shrek and included rites designed to help our great and glorious motherland succeed in the next match against McDonalds Restaurants United. I am a member of the Traditional Healers Organization and my wife fully understands my needs. This is, after all, north of the A406.”
But Sir Trevor Brooking said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
How well muti works is open to debate. In February, the chairman of the medical committee at Fick Fufa, called on anti-doping authorities to investigate traditional medicine. But World Anti-Doping Agency Director General David Howman said the matter was better left to local officials such as Sir Hardley.
Winton Hawksworth of the South African Institute for Drug-Free Sport said stimulants are common in traditional English drinks, and therefore it might be hard to spot who has and who hasn’t. Asked to elaborate he left the room.
However it is true that before most internationals various players are (as Sir Hardley put it) seen “putting something in their socks or their underpants.” When asked if it was money received as a bribe to throw the game he replied that he felt England’s players didn’t need bribing.
Lord Hedgehog, chairman of the FA said that foreigners don’t like it up em.
Don’t worry if you don’t believe most of this, only part of it is true.