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Welcome to the land of the Pig’s Head.
A Billy the Dog McGraw special.
In the 1960s the League in Spain tried an experiment of making it a one-team league which meant that Real Mad won the league each year although Barca were allowed to win the Cup sometimes. No one else was ever allowed to win anything by decree of the fascist authorities so everyone was happy – it was a state law.
Then after fascism was declared a “bad thing” one of the greatest players ever became manager: Johan Cruyff. Cruyff announced that he would never manage a club built on fascism like Real Mad, which was a fairly good start but didn’t go down well in “certain parts”, and in 1974 Barca won the league for the first time since 1960. The monopoly was over, democracy was installed and Cruyff was deified.
Worried about sprialling costs in 1978 Barca decided to let the fans elect their club president on the grounds that he would keep the club on a stable financial footing, and this democracy worked as Núñez the first president told Maradona, Romario and Ronaldo to trot off and play elsewhere rather than pay their wages.
But then just when it was all looking ok for some reason that has never been properly explained the failed businessman T. Venables was made manager and to everyone’s astonishment he won the league before returning to his more normal mode of failing to win anything, and being fired.
So the great democractic experiment ended. The players were revolting and ultimately everyone demanded the return of the Beloved and Profound Leader, Mr Cruyff who then showed them how to do it winning four leagues in a row and some cup type things, making his Brilliance and Sublime Magnificence the dominant force in the land of past evils.
Then he had two years without any trophies so they thought it was a clever idea to sack him and replace him with…. Robby Bobson and then van Gaal, who later also resigned because he couldn’t win the Champs League. It was a Bad Time.
After that it was a one way door, and Louis Figo left, so a pig’s head was thrown at him from the crowd. After that things then went into decline.
Barca bought lots of players, but no one thought to ask about the finances since the fans elected the president and so it was the “fans’ club”, which was officially nice, but still everyone agreed it was no excuse for beating us when we only had ten men.
And then the fun started. Everyone argued with everyone else. Eto’o called Frank Rijkaard a cow shed (a big insult in foreign parts), and Ronaldinho admitted that he was fat.
Then the most extraordinary thing in the world happened. In 2008 Barca only came third. The sky fell in, and everyone said it was the end of the end.
The fans tried to vote out the president, but they needed 66% of the vote and only got 60% so the directors of the club resigned instead which made absolutely no sense since the president went out and bought some more.
Next the president decided that if the fans didn’t like him he would get his own back by bankrupting the club, and so he spent €90 million buying everyone under the sun and everyone said they were the greatest club in the multiverse and a model to us all and the newspaper johnnies believed it and said it was good.
In far off New York American bankers sat up and took notice. Three banks (Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch) all decided that the Barca and Real Mad model wasn’t mad at all and what could be done in football could be done in New York. If you borrow enough money, they said, everything turns upside down and no one says you are an idiot.
Borrow a little, then you are stupid. Borrow a lot like Barca and Read mad and you are Good. The saviour of your people. The Almighty. The…
Well they got a bit carried away at this point, so we’ll move on.
And yes it all looked good – for the football clubs if not for the economy of the western world. By 2009 Bar bar were racing ahead winning everything, while poor Lehmans and the rest were all bankrupt – but who cares about banks when you have a football club.
“These Yankie hip hop pin stripe kiddos know nothing,” said a Barca press officer. “If we could run the US economy everyone would have as much money as we have. We make money. We print money. We are money. We want Ibrahimvoic so we have him. €69 million no prob.”
And in sunny New York, the bankers who had not been locked away in psychiatric institutions watched from behind bars (the psychiatric institutions being much more liberal institutions than the prisons), and those who knew a thing or two about money (which obviously doesn’t include any bankers of football club owners) watched.
And the little boy said, “The Emperor’s got no clothes”.
(c) Billy the Dog Enterprises Inc. Special loans no problemo.